Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2010)

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2010)

Directed by: Troy Nixey
Screenplay by: Guillermo del Toro and Matthew Robbins

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 99 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Theater

Fear is never just make believe.

[IMDb]

Comments: I sort of liked this format:

- Don't Be Afraid of the Dark has Guillermo del Toro's fingerprints all over it. This is director Troy Nixey's first film, so I don't have any prior work to base this film off of, but it feels like del Toro stood over his shoulder during filming saying, "well, I would maybe shoot it this way..."

- The film certainly has a fantasy vibe to it (see above). I was often reminded of del Toro's Pan's Labyrinth, although Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is very much a horror film too.

- Classless joke time: I'd definitely welcome the dark if my girlfriend looked like this without clothes on. Jesus, Tom, what have you done to The Gift-era Katie?!

- So I have a well-known reputation amongst my friends for having little patience for assholes (particularly teenagers) who talk during movies. I don't give a fuck if I'm "that guy;" I'm going to let you know that you're a dumb ass. Luckily, there was a group of young teens behind me who had no problem chatting away. I politely told them to "SHUT THE FUCK UP," to which one responded, "excuse me, I'm having a conversation." Wow. Just wow.

- One of them inexplicably started crying halfway through the film. I have no idea why (sadly, it wasn't from me yelling at them). While it was slightly annoying, I reveled in her depression - no matter what the source was.

- The ending felt very... sudden. I can't really talk about it without giving much away, but I felt like the characters should have tried to rectify what transpired at the very end (you'll understand upon viewing the film). Instead, they didn't really do anything.

- Despite the very mixed reviews, I enjoyed Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. To me, it was as much a fantasy film as it was a horror film, but that really made it stand out and separate itself from what very easily could have been a more formulaic haunted house story. Sure, certain things bugged me - like how these creatures, living below the house for hundreds of years, just automatically know enough about electricity to find the fuse box and turn off the power to the house. Seriously? But beyond that, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is a solid film. This will be a good one to rent on an upcoming dark winter night.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Directed by: Tom Tykwer
Screenplay by: Andrew Birkin, Bernd Eichinger, and Tom Tykwer

Genre: Drama | Fantasy
Running Time: 147 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

He lived to find beauty. He killed to possess it.

[IMDb]

Comments: I think it would be a major understatement if I simply said Perfume: The Story of a Murderer was a strange film. This movie is fucking out there (and for the most part, not in a good way). While certain parts of the film are great, much of it is slow and a bit uneven. Without a doubt, the best aspect of Perfume is the look and cinematography. The sets and locations are gorgeous, and the dirtier aspects of the film really made me want to take a shower. But the story is lacking, and there's never any characters for the audience to latch onto (I suppose some of the women could count, but for the most part none of them are around long enough). Perfume: The Story of a Murderer is certainly a unique film, and I'm glad I finally took the time to watch it. Unfortunately, I just wished it had lived up to my expectations a little more.

One Day (2011)

One Day (2011)

Directed by: Lone Scherfig
Screenplay by: David Nicholls

Genre: Drama | Romance
Running Time: 107 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: Theater

Twenty years. Two people.

[IMDb]

Comments: Don't judge me, bro.

I actually enjoyed One Day a hell of a lot more than I thought I would. Granted, I would've rather seen Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (which I was going to see yesterday, but didn't quite make it), but it is what it is, and One Day is what I saw this afternoon. It's a rather sad film, and there's few moments of actual happiness throughout. But the relationship between Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess feels real, and the two have a pretty good chemistry between them. Hathaway, while certainly not the most gorgeous woman in the world, has this cute quality about her that just makes her so charming and lovely. Sure, there's moments that are predictable, but on a whole, One Day is a pretty solid film. It's certainly not the feel-good hit of the summer, though.

Perkins' 14 (2009)

Perkins' 14 (2009)

Directed by: Craig Singer
Screenplay by: Lane Shadgett

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 95 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Years have gone by... not heard from, nor seen. Destined to
  kill. It's...

[IMDb]

Comments: Awkward. That's really the best way I can describe Perkins' 14. The script, the dialogue, the interaction between the characters - all of it - just felt so forced and unnatural. The acting was fucking atrocious as well. The direction was wasn't anything to write home about, either. It felt like Craig Singer just took methods he'd seen other, better directors use and crammed them all into one film. Shaky cam, slow motion shots, and these weird close-ups of people screaming are all included in Perkins' 14. Really, this movie is fucking terrible is all I'm trying to say.

Dog Soldiers (2002)

Dog Soldiers (2002)

Directed by: Neil Marshall
Screenplay by: Neil Marshall

Genre: Action | Horror
Running Time: 105 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

Six soldiers. Full moon. No chance.

[IMDb]

Comments: This review's going to be short and sweet, mainly because I have to get up for work in six hours and it took me four days to watch this movie. The debut film from Neil Marshall deserves more than this, but unfortunately I just never got around to watching the film in one sitting. I did enjoy Dog Soldiers, but I was annoyed by the camerawork and editing used to shoot around the special effects (or lack thereof). It all just felt very amateurish. Marshall learned from this, though, as his next film was the remarkable cave epic The Descent. But I will have to give Dog Soldiers a more thorough look later, when I can give the film my full attention.

Oh, and First Look's Blu-ray of the film is shitacular. I should've just stuck with my DVD edition.

Insanitarium (2008)

Insanitarium (2008)

Directed by: Jeff Buhler
Screenplay by: Jeff Buhler

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 89 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

This is going to hurt.

[IMDb]

Comments: You know what really annoys me? Characters in horror movies that have the last name of Loomis. Do you know how many times I've seen shitty horror movies with characters named that? We get it, you like Halloween (or Psycho, but probably Halloween). I love that movie too, but can't you come up with a better homage? Jesus. I don't know why this annoys me so much other than the fact that IT'S NOT CLEVER AT ALL.

Anyway, Insanitarium isn't completely horrible. It's not good either, but there's some decent gore and there's that one insane chick that runs around topless with blood over her shouting crazy woman things. That was pretty cool. I have no idea why Jesse Metcalfe is in this (he of Desperate Housewives and John Tucker Must Die fame), but whatever. Also, Olivia Munn's in this and has a larger role than I expected (this was a bit before she blew up and then everyone subsequently forgot about her because she's a terrible actress and only acted nerdy to cater to her audience - that's right, Team Pereira bitch!). In the end, I guess this was a worthwhile $3 purchase from Big Lots... I guess.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Directed by: Lee Demarbre
Screenplay by: Ian Driscoll

Genre: Action | Comedy | Horror | Musical
Running Time: 85 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Netflix Watch Instantly

The power of Christ impales you.

[IMDb]

Comments: Where to even begin on a title like Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter? Parts of the film are completely hysterical, but much of the rest is very amateurish and tends to drag along. The fight scenes, terrible as they are, turned out to be rather funny and one of the better parts of the film. The musical number at the beginning is also half decent. But the film really slows at times and often I was taken out of the hilarity by how novice the proceedings were onscreen. Still, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is pretty funny and worth a watch with your buddies and a few beers. Especially if some of them are religious and easily offended. That makes the film 10x funnier.

Se7en (1995)

Se7en (1995)

Directed by: David Fincher
Screenplay by: Andrew Kevin Walker

Genre: Crime | Drama | Mystery | Thriller
Running Time: 127 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light.

[IMDb]

Comments: I've finally decided to break in my Blu-ray of Se7en, one of my all-time favorite films. I can remember watching this masterpiece for the first time as an impressionable youth and geeking out because I didn't know Kevin Spacey was the baddie, and I can remember receiving the New Line Platinum Series DVD as a gift (it was the first DVD I owned; a birthday present from my father along with an Apex DVD player that still works and is still used occasionally to this day); this is just a movie that sticks with you every time you come in contact with it. I have so many distinct memories of watching this film over the years - it's always an event when Se7en is onscreen. I think my most memorable moment was a few years back when I was working in retail and going to school. I was in and out a lot, and it just happened that Starz had the film in heavy rotation. No matter if I was getting ready or unwinding after a long day, Se7en was on one of the channels and I would be watching, over and over again. It was fucking glorious. (I also recall a similar time with Armageddon; not my finest hour, but dammit if that isn't a terrific popcorn flick.) So what am I getting at? This movie fucking rules.

Super (2010)

Super (2010)

Directed by: James Gunn
Screenplay by: James Gunn

Genre: Action | Comedy | Drama
Running Time: 96 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

Shut up, crime!

[IMDb]

Comments: Wow. Super met every expectation I had of the film and then blew the fuck by them. What an amazing, amazing movie. It's an extremely dark, funny, and even meaningful film. The last twenty minutes of Super are so fucking good it's unreal. James Gunn's Troma background certainly shows at times, but that really makes the funnier scenes in the film even better. And Ellen fucking Page. I've liked her in her previous films and thought she was a good actress, but nothing too special. But she's superb in Super, and really fucking hot at times (particularly when dressed as Boltie during the 'rape' scene with Rainn Wilson). Page is definitely one of my new favorites now. And if I talk about her, I have to mention how great Rainn Wilson was. I've loved him as Dwight, but the man has some real skill that really shows in Super. So yeah, if you can't tell, I fucking loved this movie. Watch it. Now.

In Bruges (2008)

In Bruges (2008)

Directed by: Martin McDonagh
Screenplay by: Martin McDonagh

Genre: Crime | Drama | Thriller
Running Time: 107 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Shoot first. Sightsee later.

[IMDb]

Comments: This was really fucking good. In Bruges was able to successfully balance some really funny moments with a depth and meaning to the whole proceedings. I thought the finale veered a little too far into the "black comedy" territory, but beyond that I really don't have many complaints. The two scenes where Colin Farrell gets into physical altercations on his date were hilarious (I don't want to give too much away to ruin the scenes). Farrell gives one of his best performances as well, and is really strong among the established talents of both Brendan Gleeson and Ralph Fiennes. Definitely check this one out if you haven't already.

Unhinged (1982)

Unhinged (1982)

Directed by: Don Gronquist
Screenplay by: Don Gronquist and Reagan Ramsey

Genre: Horror | Mystery
Running Time: 79 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Viewed: Owned DVD

The nightmare begins when you wake up.

[IMDb]

Comments: Finally, a horror film. This blog certainly needed a palette cleanser after all the random crap I've been watching lately. Unfortunately, my palette was cleansed with a healthy pile of shit. I picked up a used copy of Unhinged Friday after work from FYE. It looked promising, since the the cover touted extreme violence and nudity (along with being banned in Britain for a number of years). Sadly, while there's a little of both, neither really lived up to any hype that the cover promised. What we get is a long, drawn-out film that offers little in terms of the qualities that decent horror films possess. I definitely could have spent this $5 better elsewhere. Like on a beer.

The Girls Next Door - Season 6 (2009)

The Girls Next Door (2005-2009)

Created by: Kevin Burns and Hugh Hefner

Season: Six (2009)
Genre: Reality TV
Number of Episodes: 10
Episode Running Time: 30 Minutes
Viewed: Owned DVD

Six times the fun!

[IMDb]

Comments: I won't lie, I first watched The Girls Next Door on DVD a few years ago simply because I found out it was uncensored (hell fucking yeah!). I mean, as stupid as the show sounded, there was going to be three hot naked blonde chicks running around? Sign me up! But then as I watched the first season, I have to say... I started to like it. It's ridiculous, scripted, and most of all dumb, but I certainly enjoyed myself (the nudity didn't hurt either). Over the next few years, I'd pick up each season as it was released and watch it (there's no way in hell I was watching it on E!, because even though I enjoyed it, I didn't enjoy it enough to watch a censored version). Once the news came out that everyone broke up/moved out, I didn't really give a shit, but I was surprised to find that they filmed another season with new girls and didn't go solely for Kendra and Holly's spin-off shows. I debated picking this season up for a few weeks, mainly because I don't care about these girls. But I was bored yesterday, and there it was just staring at me at Target, and you know...

The sixth season is entirely pointless (I guess you could say the pointlessness is relative to the absolute meaninglessness of the first five seasons). It just makes everything that seemed real about the first five seasons completely worthless with how easily they transitioned to these new girls. Despite the stupidity of the show, I did come to like the "Original 3" girls and discovered they did have more to them than fake tits and bronzer. I'm trying not to get deep talking about The Girls Next Door, but with how replaceable they were made this season, it just feels weird. Crystal's not horrible, but the twins are especially vapid and devoid of any personality, so I didn't give a shit when they were onscreen unless they were naked (and if I'm being honest, that really wasn't all that great either - not that I'd kick them, especially if they were together, out of bed). I think the part that ties the whole season together is Crystal's comments she made about Hef only a few days ago, after breaking off their engagement (you can read it here). Needless to say, the level of fakeness this season was ridiculously high.

Since this show's done, I think I may have to venture into Kendra and Holly's World. There's new seasons on DVD of those shows coming out this fall, so why not? More naked blondes is always fine by me.

Gangs of New York (2002)

Gangs of New York (2002)

Directed by: Martin Scorsese
Screenplay by: Jay Cocks, Steven Zaillian, and Kenneth Lonergan

Genre: Crime | Drama | History
Running Time: 167 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

America was born in the streets.

[IMDb]

Comments: I have heard a number of great things over the years about Gangs of New York. A co-worker from some years ago told me it was his favorite film of all time. Another good friend of mine told me it's the fastest three hours you'll experience in a movie (because it's so good). I tend to... well, disagree. Gangs of New York is a pretty good movie, but for me, it's nowhere near as captivating and amazing as I was led to believe. I've seen a number of Scorsese films that I enjoyed more. Despite this, I really did like the grandiose nature and how "large" of a film this felt like. It's just a shame that the film itself couldn't quite live up to that feeling.

Blue Valentine (2010)

Blue Valentine (2010)

Directed by: Derek Cianfrance
Screenplay by: Derek Cianfrance, Cami Delavigne, and Joey Curtis

Genre: Drama | Romance
Running Time: 112 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

A love story.

[IMDb]

Comments: Wow, Blue Valentine is a tough movie to watch. I've wanted to watch it for so long, but I've held off for awhile just because I wanted the "perfect" time to watch it. I don't know if tonight was that time, but fuck it, I watched it anyway.

I think my biggest impression from the film is that it felt so real - so much moreso than a "fantasy" love story we're accustomed to in the movies today. I wanted to like Ryan Gosling's character more (basically because I have a giant man crush), but I understand why he's harsh and juvenile - because that's exactly how a person with his background may very well behave. The performances are strong, which of course has been pointed out so many times by critics, and the direction felt very "free" at times, which works for the film.

Highly recommended.

Cowboys & Aliens (2011)

Cowboys & Aliens (2011)

Directed by: Jon Favreau
Screenplay by: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, Damon Lindelof, Mark
  Fergus, and Hawk Ostby

Genre: Action | Sci-Fi | Thriller | Western
Running Time: 118 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: Theater

[IMDb]

Comments: A few random observations:

- I literally didn't decide what I wanted to see today until 30 minutes before I left for the theater. This, Captain America, and The Change-Up were all on my radar, but none struck me as something I needed to see NOW. I actually planned to see The Change-Up for most of the week, just because I like Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman, and it's something I'd probably enjoy despite the so-so reviews. But then I changed my mind.

- Cowboys & Aliens was decent, but nothing spectacular. I honestly expected more from Jon Favreau, so I was a little let down.

- How many fucking people did it take to write the movie? And that's only the screenplay. There's another guy who assisted in writing the story, along with the dude that wrote the graphic novel.

- Olivia Wilde... Mmmm...

- Wilde had more screentime and a much more important role than Harrison Ford. It's a shame she's not included in the top billing.

- Speaking of Harrison Ford, his role as Col. Dolarhyde is the most enjoyable role I've seen him play in a long, long time (granted, I haven't seen everything he's done lately, but I'm mostly referencing shit like Firewall and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull). Dolarhyde is certainly a clichéd character (the old asshole with a heart of gold), but I enjoyed Ford's portrayal and really wish he was given a little more story.

- The apartment I live in has walls as thick as toilet paper (this has nothing to do with the movie). Normally, either my neighbors are quiet or not there, but there's a group or people above me today. I can hear them. It's annoying.

- Daniel Craig sounds weird with an American accent. I don't like it.

- Walton Goggins FTW.

- Sam Rockwell FTW even more. His role is very much secondary and anyone could have done it, but goddamn, it's Sam fuckin' Rockwell.

- So that's about it. Cowboys & Aliens is a fun diversion, but nothing great. It's a solid rental for a Saturday night.

Animal House (1978)

Animal House (1978)

Directed by: John Landis
Screenplay by: Harold Ramis, Douglas Kenney, and Chris Miller

Genre: Comedy | Romance
Running Time: 109 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

Relive the best 7 years of your college education.

[IMDb]

Comments: Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

Family Guy: It's a Trap (2010)

Family Guy: It's a Trap (2010)

Directed by: Peter Shin
Screenplay by: Cherry Chevapravatdumrong and David A. Goodman

Genre: Animation | Comedy | Sci-Fi
Running Time: 57 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

[IMDb]

Comments: Despite the forewarning at the beginning of this "Episode" from Seth that they really didn't want to do this, but Fox made them, I enjoyed It's a Trap as much as the other Star Wars spoofs. There's not much point in a review after that, because like before, you know what the fuck you're getting if you sit down to watch It's a Trap.

Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (2009)

Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark
  Side (2009)

Directed by: Dominic Polcino
Screenplay by: Kirker Butler

Genre: Animation | Comedy
Running Time: 52 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

[IMDb]

Comments: Feeling tired and lazy tonight, so... it's Family Guy. You know what you're getting.

Family Guy: Blue Harvest (2007)

Family Guy: Blue Harvest (2007)

Directed by: Dominic Polcino
Screenplay by: Alec Sulkin

Genre: Animation | Comedy
Running Time: 48 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

[IMDb]

Comments: It's been awhile since I watched the Family Guy Star Wars series (I actually haven't seen It's a Trap yet), so I figured it's be a fun investment when Amazon had the Blu-ray trilogy on sale for $15. Granted, I didn't like Blue Harvest all that much when I first watched it, but... whatever. So after re-watching this special for the first time in a few years, I have to say that I enjoyed a lot more than before. The Blu-ray quality was pretty shitty, and just looked like an up-converted DVD. Otherwise, it was a fun way to spend an hour. It actually really made me want to watch the original Star Wars trilogy, so I may have to do that sometime soon. We'll see...

Donnie Darko (2001)

Donnie Darko (2001)

Directed by: Richard Kelly
Screenplay by: Richard Kelly

Genre: Drama | Mystery | Sci-Fi
Running Time: 113 Minutes (Theatrical Cut)
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

[IMDb]

Comments: Donnie Darko is one of those movies that I remember exactly what was going on when I first watched the film. I was a freshman in college (it was 2003), and I had heard a lot of things about this movie with a giant rabbit. So one Friday evening, I was looking for something to kill time before it turned beer o'clock. Usually I played some online poker (the rage at the time), but this one night I decided to watch Donnie Darko. And when I finished the film, I was just completely hypnotized. What the fuck did I just watch? Could it get any more amazing? There's nothing like watching a film that just fucks with you so much that you just want to shut off the outside world when it ends and think back on what recently occurred. Granted, once I went out to party and got shifaced, the haze lifted (and another haze set in! *rimshot*). But the film just messed with me, and continues to do so on repeated viewings.

I had held off on buying the film on Blu-ray, simply because the picture quality was shitty. When I heard news that a four-disc 10th Anniversary edition was coming out, I was excited. I was hoping that we'd get a deluxe remastered version. Instead, we got the original Blu-ray with the shitty picture quality, disc two of the 2005 two-disc Director's Cut set, the original theatrical cut disc from the 2002 release, and a brand new disc with the digital copy (oh joy!). So in essence, it's a shit release... and I bought it anyway. I read an review that quoted Richard Kelly (he didn't even know the 10th Anniversary release was coming out), and he stated there was an issue with obtaining the film to remaster it between companies, and that we likely wouldn't see a remastered version anytime soon (I looked for the review so that I could link it here, but for the life of me I can't find it). So I picked up this edition at Walmart the other day, and while the PQ isn't great, I'm glad I have yet another copy of this film (my third; I also have three editions of Ghostbusters - four if you count my VHS tape back home). If you haven't seen Donnie Darko yet, well... seriously, what the fuck?