Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrow

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrow (2004)

Directed by: Ben Dixon
Screenplay by: Amy Dixon and Ben Dixon

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 76 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

This season he takes his final bounty.

[IMDb]




Comments: Hysterically awful in just about every way possible. That pretty much sums up Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrow as best as I can. And it's not even part of the Dark Harvest series (not that I've seen any of the other films from that esteemed series), rather it's just some shitty movie made for $12 named Skarecrow that was repackaged. For some reason, I spent $.99 on this a few years back and never watched it. Now I know why. The acting's awful, the effects are dreadful, the script is ridiculously bad, and the camerawork is terrible. The absolute only way I would recommend this film is if you were fucking shitfaced with a bunch of like-minded friends. Then, it would be a great flick. Sadly, I was sober and alone. Yeah.

Also Known As: Skarecrow

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Descent: Part 2 (2009)

The Descent: Part 2 (2009)

Directed by: Jon Harris
Screenplay by: J. Blakeson, James McCarthy, and James Watkins

Genre: Adventure | Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 94 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Fear runs deep. Revenge runs deeper.

[IMDb]




Comments: I never expected The Descent: Part 2 to be as good as the original; it was a film that never needed a sequel in the first place. The Descent is one of my favorite horror films - and unquestionably one of the best of the decade. I really wasn't expecting much out of the sequel, but it did get some decent reviews so I decided that I needed to pick it up on its release date. Despite the fact that at times it desperately tries to be exactly like the original, there are a few parts that help the film stand out. I can see certain scenes toward the end of The Descent: Part 2 ruining the emotional impact of the first film, but I was able to overlook this for the most part. There were only two parts that really annoyed me: the beginning and the end (the end will be discussed below). In the beginning, Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) has just made it out of the cave, and is looking worse for wear. The cop on duty, however, decides that they need to take her back down to the caves to find the others just a few hours after she escaped. This is completely ridiculous. Also, Sarah is in such a state of shock that she can't remember what happened. How convenient. While I wouldn't recommend going out and buying the film right now, it is worth a watch and an addition to your collection down the line when the price is cheaper.

Note: The following paragraph contains a very slight spoiler for the film as well as a spoiler for the end of the 2009 remake of The Last House on the Left.

Everything I wrote in the opening paragraph is what I had been thinking to write once The Descent: Part 2 ended. Then, director Jon Harris decided to throw in the dreaded second ending, which almost ruined the film for me. Part 2 had reached its natural conclusion, and then an extra and completely fucking unnecessary 30 seconds was thrown in to "shock" the viewer. It's fucking stupid and it pisses me off. It reminds me of the remake of The Last House on the Left. That film as well had reached its natural conclusion, where the father (doing what any normal father would do) defended his family. Then, for some unknown reason, a quick segment added to the end showed the father MICROWAVING the main baddie's head until it exploded. In a generally serious and realistic film, it was awful and ruined the overall effect of the film. This is what happens in The Descent: Part 2. It sucks.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Conspiracy Theory (1997)

Conspiracy Theory (1997)

Directed by: Richard Donner
Screenplay by: Brian Helgeland

Genre: Crime | Mystery | Romance | Thriller
Running Time: 135 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

What you know could kill you.

[IMDb]




Comments: Richard Donner has a had a pretty successful career with films like The Omen, Superman, and the Lethal Weapon series on his résumé. Sadly, Conspiracy Theory doesn't live up to those standards, even with Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts as the leads. It's too long, with a plot that could be tightened up a bit (or a lot), and it's just generally uninteresting. Gibson's character is extremely unlikable for the most part, but the fact that Mel himself is portraying the character is supposed to endear him to the audience. Conspiracy Theory really isn't worth your time.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Teenage Caveman (2002)

Teenage Caveman (2002)

Directed by: Larry Clark
Screenplay by: Christos N. Gage

Genre: Sci-Fi | Thriller | Horror
Running Time: 100 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

The future sucks.

[IMDb]




Comments: I bought Teenage Caveman a year or so ago for $3 simply because Larry Clark's name was on it. Clark directed Bully a year before this, and I'm a big fan of that film. It's certainly not the greatest film ever, but I really enjoy it and it gets to me every time I watch it (Clark also made the controversial films Kids and Ken Park). However, somewhere in between his greater achievements, Clark made this steaming pile of shit. Teenage Caveman is the story of teens who live in a post-apocalyptic world, where there aren't many humans left. They meet up with these genetically mutated couple, and then proceed to have a lot of sex while drinking and doing drugs (which pretty much happens in every one of Clark's films). I could delve further, but I'm tired and this movie sucked. But I knew that going in... why must I torture myself?

The Losers (2010)

The Losers (2010)

Directed by: Sylvain White
Screenplay by: Peter Berg and James Vanderbilt

Genre: Action | Adventure | Drama | Mystery | Thriller
Running Time: 98 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: Theater

Anyone else would be dead by now.

[IMDb]




Comments: Pretty much what you'd expect. Lots of explosions. Clichéd characters and moments. Campy humor. Something entertaining to watch on a Sunday afternoon.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Hanzo the Razor: The Snare (1973)

Hanzo the Razor: The Snare (1973)

Directed by: Yasuzo Masumura
Screenplay by: Yasuzo Masumura

Genre: Action | Drama
Running Time: 89 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Viewed: IFC

[IMDb]






Comments: Hanzo the Razor: The Snare is the second film in the Hanzo the Razor trilogy. I haven't seen the other two films, but after reading the description of The Snare, I had to record it off of IFC Friday night. Hanzo, the main character, is like a samurai version of Dirty Harry. Although, in addition to disrespecting authority and fucking up bad guys, Hanzo also has a huge penis that he uses to torture females for information or give them pleasure that they didn't know they wanted (it's called rape normally, but since Hanzo's a good guy, and the women end up loving his hugeness, it's overlooked). But beyond that, Hanzo the Razor: The Snare is actually a pretty entertaining flick. I'm always looking for TV channels that show Grindhouse-style films late at night on the weekends (TCM, IFC), so this one didn't disappoint.

On a semi-ranting sidenote: I've been looking into getting a region-free DVD player over the last couple weeks. I eventually decided against it for now, because I don't need to spend even more money on crap, but the Hanzo the Razor box set is exactly why I looked into it. The trilogy on Amazon's US site costs $59.99, which is way too steep for three films. However, on Amazon's UK site, the trilogy runs £8.53, which comes out to roughly $13, give or take a few cents. Yeah, that's why region-free players (or players that can be hacked) are the shit.

Also Known As: Goyôkiba: Kamisori Hanzô Jigoku Zeme

Friday, April 23, 2010

Offspring (2009)

Offspring (2009)

Directed by: Andrew van den Houten
Screenplay by: Jack Ketchum

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 79 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

They'll lust for your life.

[IMDb]




Comments: Although I've never read any of Jack Ketchum's novels, I have liked the films I've seen based on his books (The Girl Next Door, Red). So the other day I picked up Offspring (from Lionsgate's Ghost House Underground series) used for a few bucks solely because Ketchum's name was on it. After reading a few reviews, it was clear I had made a horrible mistake, but I gave the film a shot anyway. And for the most part, it wasn't completely horrible. Most of the film is half-decent and competently directed (I was actually somewhat impressed with Andrew van den Houten). However, the final act is generally a mess, as the script disappoints and all of the bad acting catches up and becomes very apparent. Still, Offspring isn't totally awful and I was entertained for the most part. For $4, I can't complain.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Kick-Ass (2010)

Kick-Ass (2010)

Directed by: Matthew Vaughn
Screenplay by: Jane Goldman and Matthew Vaughn

Genre: Action | Comedy | Crime | Drama | Thriller
Running Time: 117 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Theater

I can't read your mind. But I can kick your ass.

[IMDb]




Comments: I'm a big fan of superhero films. In terms of sheer enjoyment, they rank right up there for me alongside horror films. I'm also a fan of absurd comedy. Tell me that a movie will have an 11-year-old girl who says words like "cock," "cunt," and "fuck" while slaughtering countless people, and I'm going to be interested. All of this was combined into Kick-Ass, and it was getting positive reviews to boot, so I was extremely excited. That's why halfway through the film, I was very displeased. The first hour is scatterbrained as hell and paced so awfully that I would be putting it mildly by saying that the film is a complete clusterfuck. Luckily, Matthew Vaughn gets his shit together and pulls the film together in the second half, tying everything together in an awesome and entertaining fashion. It's also pretty amazing that this film was allowed to be an R rated film, as on paper it sounds like perfect fodder for the teenage crowd. But Vaughn fills Kick-Ass to the brim with foul language and graphic violence (which includes said 11-year-old girl getting the shit kicked out of her at times). Overall, the movie works. The story is actually rather clever and everything comes together nicely. But in the introductory stages, it's awful. I'd love to see Vaughn take his time and re-edit the first part of the film to be released on DVD as a Director's Cut. Or I'd like to see the main chick (not the 11-year-old girl, Kick-Ass' lady friend) move her hands when self-tanning cream is being applied to her. Either will do.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (2009)

Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark
  Side
(2009)

Directed by: Dominic Polcino
Screenplay by: Kirker Butler

Genre: Animation | Comedy
Running Time: 52 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Owned DVD

[IMDb]





Comments: I've been a Family Guy fan for a while now. I never watched the show originally, but like many I purchased the DVDs and fell in love. The show's taken some criticism recently about lack of real plots and declining quality (some of which is certainly warranted), but I still find the show entertaining (and that's all that matters, right?). However, I found Blue Harvest, the first spoof of Star Wars, to be generally unfunny and one of the worst things to come out of Family Guy. Family Guy works best when doing quick spoofs, not the continuous overlong bits. Something Something Something Dark Side falls into many of the same problems (how many self-references can you make in one hour?), but when they hit the funny bone, it works. There will of course be the third Star Wars spoof, which I believe will be titled We've Got a Bad Feeling About This, but I can't imagine it being much better than the last two. Something Something Something Dark Side has some good laughs and is a step up from the last entry, but it's still not even close to as good as Family Guy has done.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Party Down - Season One (2009)

Party Down (2009)

Created by: John Enbom, Rob Thomas, Dan Etheridge, and Paul Rudd

Season: One (2009)
Genre: Comedy
Number of Episodes: 10
Episode Running Time: 30 Minutes
Viewed: Owned DVD

[IMDb]






Comments: When Party Down first premiered, I was excited more so because it was creator Rob Thomas' new show, rather than anything about the show itself. Thomas' last show was Veronica Mars, which is one of my all-time favorites and one of the better shows of the decade (at least in my opinion). Party Down's a whole different type of show, but it turned out to be a pretty damn good itself. It has some real depth beyond all the gags that occur, which always helps (plus it seems that everyone from Veronica Mars either stars or guest stars on the show). I only caught a few episodes when they were airing, so I jumped at the chance to see the season in one swoop, especially since Season 2 premieres next Friday (Walmart even released an exclusive edition with the first two episodes of the season, which I plan on watching when I'm done here). From what I've read, this will most likely be the last season (or the last with several of the regulars), so you better enjoy this little gem while it lasts. Since I've said that though, the show will probably last 10 seasons... but I wouldn't complain.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The X-Files - Season One (1993-1994)

The X-Files (1993-2002)

Created by: Chris Carter

Season: One (1993-1994)
Genre: Drama | Horror | Mystery | Sci-Fi | Thriller
Number of Episodes: 24
Episode Running Time: 60 Minutes
Viewed: Owned DVD

The truth is out there.

[IMDb]




Comments: I've been a big X-Files fan for a while now, but after the third season I've only seen random episodes here and there. I've tried a couple of times now to watch the series straight through, but as much as I love Mulder and Scully, I get a little tired of the watching so many of the "monster of the week" episodes in a row. I have always maintained that if Fox's other station, FX, had been established in the '90s like it is today, The X-Files would have been a perfect fit. It would have lowered the episode count, focusing more on the mythos of the show, rather than the numerous self-contained episodes. But despite my whining, I love the show. I'd take the "monster of the week" episodes of The X-Files over many other TV shows' best offerings. It's a great body of work and one of the best television shows of all time. The truth is out there.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Gestapo's Last Orgy (1977)

Gestapo's Last Orgy (1977)

Directed by: Cesare Canevari
Screenplay by: Cesare Canevari and Antonio Lucarella

Genre: Horror | Thriller | War
Running Time: 92 Minutes
MPAA Rating: X
Viewed: Owned DVD

[IMDb]






Comments: I've seen a few films from the 'Nazisploitation' genre, and Gestapo's Last Orgy is certainly one of the better films I've seen. That's not saying much, but the film is interesting at times and has some very unintentionally funny scenes (if you're a sick fuck, like me). You can find Gestapo's Last Orgy as part of the SS Hell Pack 2, which already looks better than its predecessor. If you're into this kind of film, I'd recommend it. It's oddly entertaining, and better than some other Nazi crap you're likely to see.

Also Known As: L'ultima Orgia del III Reich, Last Orgy of the Third Reich, and Caligula Reincarnated as
  Hitler

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Stash (2007)

Stash (2007)

Directed by: Jacob Ennis
Screenplay by: Jacob Ennis

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 78 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Viewed: Owned DVD

Blood. Crime. Weed. Moonshine.

[IMDb]




Comments: So I bought a bunch of pre-viewed DVDs the other day from Hollywood Video's website (8 for $20, plus a $5 off coupon - I ordered 16 DVDs for $33 shipped) and Stash just happened to be one of the discs I ordered. I won't lie, I knew nothing about the film; I ordered it simply because there was a chick in underwear chained up on the cover. And let me tell you: it's awful. It looks like Stash was made on a budget of about $6.50. All of the acting is horrendous and the camerawork and direction is even worse. To top it off, Stash barely qualifies as a horror/exploitation film at all; sure there's some chicks chained up in a basement, but the film follows the cops and parents trying to find them more so than anything else. All of that means Stash is boring as shit. Barely any nudity and violence makes Greg a sad boy.

The worst part about the entire thing is that the disc was scratched to shit (being a used copy). The other DVDs I ordered from Hollywood Video are fine, but this one kept skipping 20 minutes in. I tried everything (including boiling the DVD), but nothing worked. The film actually showed some promise in the beginning, so I ordered another copy from a seller on Amazon. Bare with me on this one. Hollywood Video has horrid customer service, so I didn't feel like dicking around since I got such a good deal on the other discs. Paying a few extra bucks and ordering a good copy from Amazon was no big deal to me. Then I got the bright idea to burn the disc, as my DVD drive reads scratched discs well. This worked like a charm, and I was able to watch the movie on a DVD-R. Now I desperately don't want to spend any more money on Stash, so I contacted the seller on Amazon and tried to cancel my order. Haven't heard back yet. I am a dumb ass.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)

Directed by: Werner Herzog
Screenplay by: William M. Finkelstein

Genre: Crime | Drama
Running Time: 122 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

The only criminal he can't catch is himself.

[IMDb]




Comments: Nicolas Cage's career has gone downhill the last couple years – and by downhill I mean he's making Oprah money on uninteresting and pedestrian projects. He came into the '00s on a high note with great films like Adaptation and the underrated Matchstick Men, but he hasn’t made a truly good flick since the middle of the decade (Lord of War). I’ve been wondering for a while now if Cage’s zany independent films he made between blockbusters were a thing of the past, but after watching Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, he may yet have some life left in him. (I’ll try not to be a hypocrite by stating that I have enjoyed some of his recent work: The first National Treasure is harmless fun and Knowing had a few interesting parts as well, but none of them by any means should be classified as good films.)

So when Cage signed on to Werner Herzog’s remake/re-imagination/reinterpretation of Abel Ferrara’s Bad Lieutenant, I was certainly intrigued (and Ferrara was pissed – he publicly wished that everyone involved in the project would blow up in a streetcar). Herzog is a director with a background full of lauded films; many wondered just what the hell he was doing with a remake of all things. And X-to-the-Z Xzibit was going to be in it? Was someone’s car in need of a pimping that I was unaware of? But it turns out that after all these years of filmmaking, Herzog just might know what’s he’s doing.

Cage is Terrence McDonagh, a sergeant with the New Orleans police department. During Hurricane Katrina, he rescues a prisoner trapped in a flooded cell, but injures his back in the process. After earning a promotion for his effort (to lieutenant, of course), McDonagh learns that he will have chronic back pain for the rest of his life. He gets a prescription for Vicodin and we fast-forward six months. McDonagh is now a junkie due to his pain, and he tries to get his hands on absolutely every drug he can – through whatever means necessary.

McDonagh is put in charge of the murder of a family that was gunned down in their own home. The father was dealing heroin, and it’s become the department’s primary objective to find those responsible. While dealing with the pressures of the job, McDonagh must find sources to fuel his addiction, which includes shaking down people on the street, stealing from the evidence lock-up at the station, and getting his prescription meds (by himself if he has to). He’s also involved with his prostitute girlfriend Frankie (Eva Mendes), who has her own set of problems, including an unruly client.

Make no mistake, this is solely Nicolas Cage’s film. Any minor subplots involve Cage, and he’s in just about every scene. For a man whose performances have been largely criticized in recent years, he turns in a pretty good, albeit bizarre showing. His character is completely unhinged and gets more off-the-wall as the film progresses. At times, Cage can be a bit distracting, but overall it’s a strong return to independent cinema for the actor.

In the end, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans is a solid, yet very odd film. One of the things that popped into my head was all of the casual movie fans that will rent Bad Lieutenant simply because of Cage’s face on the cover; they probably don’t know what they’re in for. But for those in the know, the film’s certainly an adventure (and a strangely comical one at times too). While it may not be close to the best film Cage has done (or Herzog’s made), it’s certainly worth a watch and recommended.

Friday, April 2, 2010

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (2009)

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (2009)

Directed by: Troy Duffy
Screenplay by: Troy Duffy

Genre: Action | Crime | Drama | Thriller
Running Time: 118 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

[IMDb]






Comments: Ugh. I wasn't even planning on buying The Boondock Saints II when it first came out, but of course fucking Walmart had a two-disc limited edition steelbook that I had to buy, mainly because I'm a sucker for that shit. Anyway, I was excited to watch the film after re-watching the original, and it certainly helped. It seems like every character in the film is back from the first one, including the Tourette's syndrome bartender and the three Boston cops. Those who aren't around are replaced by identical new characters, as the deceased Rocco is replaced by Clifton Collins, who the Saints recruit and is a complete carbon copy of Rocco's character in the first film. And while Willem Dafoe isn't around, he's replaced by some chick from Dexter, who is just as strange and bizarre as Dafoe was, plus an annoying accent (but both Dafoe and Rocco show up as well... oops, I ruined a surprise). It really shows throughout that The Boondock Saints II desperately wants to be the first film all over again, and it's not. All of the more "classic" scenes from the original are remade to some degree, while just about everything else from the film is referenced at some point or another. If Saints II tried to be a somewhat original film, it may have been better. Sadly, all Troy Duffy wants to do is relive his big moment (and when reading about Duffy, who seems like a complete douche, it's amazing he got everyone to come back for a sequel). Oh, and by big moment, I mean his only film, because that's the only other film the guy's directed. He doesn't know how to do anything else. And it shows.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The Boondock Saints (1999)

The Boondock Saints (1999)

Directed by: Troy Duffy
Screenplay by: Troy Duffy

Genre: Action | Crime | Drama | Thriller
Running Time: 108 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Brothers. Killers. Saints.

[IMDb]




Comments: The Boondock Saints is one of those quintessential college flicks for me. I say that because when I was in college, specifically the dorms, every guy - despite whether or not they were movie fans - had seen The Boondock Saints. Those that had any semblance of a DVD collection had this bad boy, and lines were quoted from it all the time (two of my roommates even went as the Saints for Halloween one year). I can see why guys love the film (even with the very gay Willem Dafoe scenes); it's entertaining as hell and full of violence. After watching the film for the first time in several years, it's not nearly as good as I remembered (or as it's rated on the IMDb), but it sure is still entertaining as shit. And it took Troy Duffy ten years to release a sequel, so I think it's only proper to continue on...