Fear of Clowns (2004)

Fear of Clowns (2004)

Directed by: Kevin Kangas
Screenplay by: Kevin Kangas

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 106 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: DVD

Evil has a new face!

[IMDb]

Comments: I literally thought Fear of Clowns was well over two hours long while watching it; that's how fucking slow the film was. To be fair, I watched this with a lot of people and certainly missed some parts. But I really don't care. The clown looked like a male stripper they stuck some face paint on. Kevin Kargas did in fact make a sequel... but I don't think I'll be watching it any time soon. There's really not much else worth mentioning.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)

Directed by: Fred Olen Ray
Screenplay by: Fred Olen Ray and T.L. Lankford

Genre: Comedy | Horror
Running Time: 75 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

They charge an arm and a leg!

[IMDb]

Comments: It was pretty cool to finally watch Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. The film's great in the fact that the plot is bizarre and the women are frequently naked. But on the other hand, the pseudo-film noir vibe with the detective slows the film down and takes away from the fun of how campy the rest of the film is. Unfortunately, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers just isn't quite good enough to be considered one of the better cult classics. However, it's still a fun way to spend an hour.

Delirium (1972)

Delirium (1972)

Directed by: Renato Polselli
Screenplay by: Renato Polselli

Genre: Crime | Horror | Mystery | Thriller
Running Time: 102 Minutes (International Cut)
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Owned DVD

[IMDb]

Comments: On one hand, certain parts of Delirium are awesome and fun as hell to watch. On the other hand, the film is bizarre as hell and can generally be described as completely wacky. Characters did certain things seemingly only to further the plot, and the entire story from beginning to end just felt off. Combined with the fact that many of the characters are bat-shit crazy, and you have yourself one strange film. The DVD also includes the alternate American cut, which I fast-forwarded through, and parts of it are rather different from the International version. Whenever I see a DVD with multiple endings I always feel less enthused with the film I watched; it always feels like the director/writer never had "one vision" and couldn't make up their minds. The same goes for Delirium, and it help explains why the film feels so disjointed at times.

Also, I'm not quite sure how much crap I'll be watching in the next couple weeks. I just got a new (and very good) job, but it's a couple hours away so there's a lot of shit that needs done. And then, on top of what normal people have to do when moving, I have to pack up 2,000+ DVDs and the accompanying shelves and crap that go with it. While it's an exciting time, I'll be much more glad when it's all done and I can watch the newly-acquired Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers in my new place.

Also Known As: Delirio Caldo

Slumber Party Massacre III (1990)

Slumber Party Massacre III (1990)

Directed by: Sally Mattison
Screenplay by: Catherine Cyran

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 87 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

It's driller time... and this bit's for you!

[IMDb]

Comments: While I wasn't a fan of Slumber Party Massacre II due to its bizarreness and general "WTF?" aspect, I despised Slumber Party Massacre III simply because of its terribleness. Horrid, horrid acting combined with a plot that had severe logic problems led me to really hate the time I spent with this film. Sure, Maria Ford was in it, but her lack of acting skills was even more noticeable at this early point in her career. The Slumber Party Massacre Collection itself is a solid DVD set, but beyond the first film there's not much to hang your hat on in terms of film quality.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Directed by: Deborah Brock
Screenplay by: Deborah Brock

Genre: Comedy | Horror | Musical
Running Time: 75 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

The party begins when the lights go out!

[IMDb]

Comments: What the hell did I just watch? This is certainly not the film I was thinking of when I stated that I thought I'd seen the Slumber Party Massacre sequel in the post below. I'm pretty sure everyone involved in the making of this film was on acid. That's all.

The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

Directed by: Amy Holden Jones
Screenplay by: Rita Mae Brown

Genre: Comedy | Horror
Running Time: 77 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Close your eyes for a second... and sleep forever.

[IMDb]

Comments: The Slumber Party Massacre is pretty mediocre, especially in the midst of all the slasher films that came out in the '80s (seriously, how many films have 'Massacre' in their name?). But that still doesn't mean it's not enjoyable. I picked this up (along with the two sequels) as part of the recently-released Triple Feature DVD under Roger Corman's Cult Classics collection. I hadn't realized it at the time, but I definitely remember watching this film as a youngster (and I'm pretty sure I've seen the second part as well). My only real complaint is the constant "false scare" scenes during the first half of the film. It seemed like every five seconds there was eerie music with a shadowy figure sneaking up on someone, only to be revealed as their friend. It got annoying after awhile. Still, The Slumber Party Massacre is a fun and surprisingly gory film. It's not great, but it's certainly better than a number of other shittier '80s slasher films you could be watching.

Salvage (2009)

Salvage (2009)

Directed by: Lawrence Gough
Screenplay by: Colin O'Donnell

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 79 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Rental DVD - Family Video

Fear cannot be contained.

[IMDb]

Comments: I hadn't even heard of Salvage until a few days ago when it was listed as a featured film in DVDTalk's October Horror Movie Challenge. I then saw it for rent at Family Video the other day, so I decided give it a whirl. Unfortunately, it took me two days to get through a 75 minute film. For some reason, Salvage bored the hell out of me. It tries to create high tension while being somewhat of a character study, but instead it feels tired and uninteresting (mainly because I could have given two shits about the characters). The father and daughter introduced at the beginning (which we're led to believe are the main characters at first) are much more interesting but barely used after the first fifteen minutes. It soon becomes all about the mother, who's kind of annoying. Anyway, I can see people enjoying this film, because it's not completely awful and decently directed. But the film just bored the shit out of me, and I really can't recommend it more than that.

30 Days of Night: Dark Days (2010)

30 Days of Night: Dark Days (2010)

Directed by: Ben Ketai
Screenplay by: Steve Niles and Ben Ketai

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 92 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Rental DVD - Family Video

[IMDb]

Comments: Well, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days was a heck of a lot better than I expected it to be, especially for a direct-to-video sequel. It pales in comparison to the original, but Dark Days is still entertaining in its own right. I had two main issues with the film, though. The first is that it takes place in Los Angeles. The setting of the first film in Alaska was one of my favorite things about it. The snowfall and darkness created such an amazing mood for the film, and made it so much better. Secondly, I could not stand Diora Baird's character. She's so fucking annoying and has no redeeming value; she only serves to fuck things up for everyone. Plus, if you have Diora Baird in the cast, at least giver her something to wear that shows off her... assets (completely NSFW). Also, Kiele Sanchez replaces Melissa George as Stella Oleson. I normally hate when there's no continuity in films, but I don't mind here as much since I like Kiele (and am a big fan of her show The Glades). In the end, you certainly can do a lot worse with a DTV sequel. So if you're interested, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days isn't a bad flick to pass the time.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Directed by: Tom Six
Screenplay by: Tom Six

Genre: Drama | Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 92 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Viewed: Rental DVD - Family Video

100% medically accurate.

[IMDb]

Comments: First, I appreciate movies that go the extra mile to revolt or disgust viewers, as The Human Centipede did. Sometimes there's a good film behind all of the craziness, but sadly that's not the case here. That's not to say The Human Centipede is a terrible movie; it's simply very mediocre with an extra dose of grotesqueness thrown in. I thought the "human centipede" aspect would've been saved for the end of the film, but the surgery occurs midway through and you get to see them crawl around together for the last half of the film, which is awesome as hell. But there's not much of a compelling story beyond the shock aspect, which means The Human Centipede should be more of a rental than anything else.

Diary of the Dead (2007)

Diary of the Dead (2009)

Directed by: George A. Romero
Screenplay by: George A. Romero

Genre: Horror | Sci-Fi
Running Time: 95 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Shoot the dead.

[IMDb]

Comments: Now that I've finally watched the last of Romero's six Dead films, I can safely say that Diary of the Dead is the worst, by far. I found the whole film to be uninteresting, the characters both unsympathetic and unlikable, and the dialogue to be dreadful. I especially hated the scenes where characters had "profound" moments where they would share their wisdom with the camera. Those were terrible and made me want to stab myself in the eye. The only scene I really enjoyed was the "dead" mummy guy chasing the chick toward the end of the film, as it parodied the opening scene when they were shooting a film, before the zombie outbreak. Everything the chick bitched about happening in their horror film that "doesn't happen in real life" happened later on (including her top getting ripped down). That was actually pretty damn funny. Beyond that, blah. Pass on this one.

Survival of the Dead (2009)

Survival of the Dead (2009)

Directed by: George A. Romero
Screenplay by: George A. Romero

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 93 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Rental DVD - Family Video

Death isn't what it used to be.

[IMDb]

Comments: I've been a big fan of George Romero's Dead films over the years. I still haven't seen Diary of the Dead although I'm not sure why; I've owned the film for years. I wish I would have though as it's directly referenced at the beginning of Survival of the Dead. As for this film, I enjoyed it. Survival was pretty much bashed in all of the reviews I read for it, however, I still found it to be a good and entertaining zombie flick (although it is definitely the worst when compared to the other four Dead films I've seen). My biggest issue was the dialogue; much of it seemed hokey and at times very unnatural. Beyond that, I was a fan of Survival of the Dead, but I don't think George needs to make any more Dead films. He probably will, though. Maybe one last epic zombie film simply titled ...of the Dead. That could be bad ass.

Spike (2008)

Spike (2008)

Directed by: Robert Beaucage
Screenplay by: Robert Beaucage

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 80 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Rental DVD - Family Video

A Gothic fairytale.

[IMDb]

Comments: Wow, this was terrible. Spike started out interestingly enough with no backstory and characters doing the most random things (the one chick smacks the shit out of her lesbian lover with a ski to stop her from wandering off in the woods). But soon after the creature appears, things take a turn for the worse. The one girl is carried off, and we find out that she and the creature knew each other as children (when he was still hideous, and she was his only friend; not much else of a background is provided or maybe I just stopped paying attention). At this point we discover that Spike's not a horror movie, rather, it's a shit-ass drama about a sad monster and this dumb chick. It's terrible. I already wrote entirely too much, so now I'm done. Half a star for the chick hitting her bitch with a ski.

Pig Hunt (2008)

Pig Hunt (2008)

Directed by: James Isaac
Screenplay by: Robert Mailer Anderson and Zack Anderson

Genre: Action | Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 100 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Rental DVD - Family Video

Get muddy! Get bloody! Kill or be killed!

[IMDb]

Comments: I went into Pig Hunt with no real expectations. It had a 4.8 rating on the IMDb, which generally guarantees awfulness (although a high rating never guarantees a good film). However, I read in a few places that it was one of the better Fangoria FrightFest releases (of which Pig Hunt was apart of along with seven other films; it's very similar to Lionsgate's After Dark Horrorfest). Anyway, the first half of the film was dull as shit and I kept glancing at the clock to see how much longer I had. Then all of a sudden, shit got real! Pig Hunt went from a by-the-numbers horror flick to a bizarre yet generally entertaining film. I don't want to overstate the awesomeness, as Pig Hunt's still a mediocre film. It's just not nearly as shitty as I thought it was going to be. And it has an awesome soundtrack too. Worth a rent at the least.

Ninjas vs. Zombies (2008)

Ninjas vs. Zombies (2008)

Directed by: Justin Timpane
Screenplay by: Justin Timpane

Genre: Comedy | Horror
Running Time: 86 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Rental DVD - Family Video

Who do YOU think will win?

[IMDb]

Comments: I'm always on the lookout for crazy shit when I feel like renting a movie, and Ninjas vs. Zombies seemed to fit that bill. And for the most part, it lived up to my low expectations. The overall story is fucking weird and a bit disjointed, but there were several legitimately funny scenes. I was also impressed with the fight choreography for such a low-budget film. It's not perfect (nor can it compare to The Bourne Identity or something like that), but it's very well done given the circumstances. There's really not much horror to be found, as the film's mainly a comedy; however, since Ninjas vs. Zombies is generally funny, it works. Oh, and there's a wizard too (which is how the random guys become ninjas). He basically has god-like powers, and no one seems to think that's weird. Anyway, Ninjas vs. Zombies is a decent movie and certainly worth a rent if you enjoy this sort of thing. I do.

The Initiation (1984)

The Initiation (1984)

Directed by: Larry Stewart
Screenplay by: Charles Pratt Jr.

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 97 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

They pledge themselves to be young, stay young... and die young.

[IMDb]

Comments: I wasn't sure at first, but after a few minutes I recalled watching The Initiation when I was younger. One of my favorite things to do as a teenager was rent awesome low-budget horror and exploitation VHS tapes from my local video stores (and see what the clerks would let me get away with when renting; my 14-year-old self loved I Spit on Your Grave). While The Initiation is far from original and hardly sleazy, it's a rather well-made film and certainly surpassed my expectations. I didn't recall the "twist" ending, so that made for a nice surprise as well. It's certainly nothing noteworthy, but The Initiation is a solid '80s slasher that doesn't disappoint.

Laid to Rest (2009)

Laid to Rest (2009)

Directed by: Robert Hall
Screenplay by: Robert Hall

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 90 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Viewed: Owned DVD

[IMDb]

Comments: Ugh. I picked up Laid to Rest last year when it was released for cheap, mainly because it looked cool (I may have read some decent reviews too, I don't recall). Anyway, I finally got around to watching it today and what a waste of 90 minutes this was. Unending clichés and awful acting (featuring even worse southern accents) are all par for the course in Laid to Rest. I can't tell you how many times the people being chased by "Chrome Skull" were in a car or in the clear, but somehow they managed to find themselves back in danger in no time. I will admit that I did find the last act 200% better than the rest of the film, but that really isn't saying much. Plus the main chick has a huge (albeit fake) rack, yet never really showed off the goods or wore anything provocative (save for a little home video footage at the end). What a waste. A word of advice for the future: pass on Laid to Rest.

Frozen (2010)

Frozen (2010)

Directed by: Adam Green
Screenplay by: Adam Green

Genre: Drama | Thriller
Running Time: 93 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

No one knows you're up there.

[IMDb]

Comments: I have to say, I really enjoyed Frozen. I picked the film up mainly because I enjoyed Adam Green's Hatchet and it was pretty cheap. I was rather intrigued as to how Green intended to spend 90 minutes with three characters on a ski lift, but the film is excellently plotted and there really was never a slow moment. I found the acting to be excellent as well, but it's probably not hard to fake being scared when the actors were actually sitting in a legit ski lift for the whole film (there was no CGI or sets used; that's a bad ass way to shoot a film like this). In the end, Frozen is a solid thriller and certainly worth the couple bucks I spent for it at Walmart.