Trauma (1978)

Trauma (1978)

Directed by: Alberto Negrin
Screenplay by: Peter Berling, Marcello Coscia, Massimo Dallamano,
  Franco Ferrini, Alberto Negrin, and Stefano Ubezio

Genre: Horror | Mystery | Thriller
Running Time: 85 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Viewed: Owned DVD

Sweet sixteen ... they'll lose more than just their lives.

[IMDb]

Comments: Alberto Negrin's Enigma Rosso is a rather (unintentionally) hilarious giallo film. The story itself is serious, as is some of the film. However, the dialogue, along with Fabio Testi's portrayal of lead inspector Gianni De Salvo, is completely ridiculous and funny as hell. When's the last time you got someone to give up key information while threatening him on a roller coaster? Also, he delivers the best line in the movie when De Salvo is speaking with the teachers of a 16-year-old girl that was raped and killed. One of the teachers gives him a hard time, and out of nowhere De Salvo shouts, "someone with a cock this big raped Angela Russo and threw her in the river!" Of course, he depicts the cock's size with his hands, which must be about two feet long. My biggest annoyance was not with the ridiculous script, but rather the DVD I watched. Enigma Rosso is part of Mill Creek's 50 movie sets (that I paid around $10 for). I never expect any of these films to be remastered at all, and generally I like the "grindhouse" feel to the films. But Enigma Rosso is zoomed in for some reason, meaning I was usually either watching an extreme close up of someone's face or something in the distant background because the two characters speaking were mostly out of the frame. While this was extremely distracting at first, it only seems to add to the charm now that I have finished watching this silly film.

Also Known As: Enigma Rosso

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

Directed by: Danny Steinmann
Screenplay by: Martin Kitrosser, David Cohen, and Danny Steinmann

Genre: Horror | Mystery
Running Time: 92 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

If Jason still haunts you, you're not alone!

[IMDb]

Comments: Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning is a pretty fucking horrible film. From the bad acting, to the weak script, to just about everything else, the fifth entry in the Friday the 13th series is rather awful. The unfortunate part for me was that even though this was my first viewing of the film, I knew the "twist" ending, which probably ruined one of the few decent things about the film. Of course, had I not known the ending, I would have been more angry seeing as how Jason was hacked to bits by motherfucking Corey Feldman in the last film (I guess that anger will come out in the next film). The only other redeeming factor was the decent amount of nudity in A New Beginning, which is always welcome. I would have gotten to this sooner, but the dual attack of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and NHL 10 arrived in my mailbox last week, so they've been taking up a lot of my time. Now I wish they would have taken up more.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Season Four (2008)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005-????)

Created by: Rob McElhenney

Season: Four (2008)
Genre: Comedy
Number of Episodes: 13
Episode Running Time: 30 Minutes
Viewed: Owned DVD

It's "Seinfeld" on crack.

[IMDb]

Comments: With all due respect to all of the other great shows I watch, such as House and Lost, It's Always Sunny is the funniest and best show currently on TV. So suck on it.

I Spit on Your Corpse, I Piss on Your Grave (2001)

I Spit on Your Corpse, I Piss on Your Grave (2001)

Directed by: Eric Stanze
Screenplay by: Eric Stanze

Genre: Drama | Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 71 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Viewed: I plead the fifth.

Revenge is just the beginning for her...

[IMDb]

Comments: Holy fucking shit. I Spit on Your Corpse, I Piss on Your Grave is without a doubt the worst film I have seen in years, perhaps in my life. Despite all of the gratuitous nudity (provided by fat men and an ugly bull-dyke with a '70s-style bush) and graphic violence, I wanted to rip my eyes out while slamming my head into the wall. Why, you ask? Because our wonderful director Eric Stanze, who will no doubt go on to win many Academy Awards, is a gigantic pretentious douchebag hack. He apparently decided that he wanted to make an "artsy" exploitation film, which means that we have a 10 minute segment (of a goddamn 70 minute film) in the beginning of random shots of a cemetery with depressing music. But we're not done there, no. We then have more shots of trees, pipes and basements, and people at odd angles (because we're edgy and cool filmmakers!) spread throughout the film. To cap it all off, our fearless lead, hairy bush bull-dyke, proceeds to violate herself with what looks like the end of a broom, in extreme close-up detail. I vomited in my mouth a little a lot. I can't believe I thought this would break up the repetitiveness of the Friday the 13th series. I would rather watch Halloween: Resurrection 20 times in a row than watch this dreck. I hope Eric Stanze gets AIDS.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Directed by: Joseph Zito
Screenplay by: Barney Cohen

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 90 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

This is the one you'll be dying for...

[IMDb]

Comments: Why do groups of six to eight teens keep vacationing a few miles down the road from where brutal massacres keep occurring? Yes, in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, we get the same plotline as the last film, except this one has fucking Corey Feldman AND Crispin Glover (and the return of Tom Savini's special effects). Yet, they still manage to fuck up with horrible inconsistencies and oversights. Jason's overall appearance is the same, yet, when his mask comes off he looks completely different. I guess you're not supposed to watch the films so close together, like I did. And the ending is similar to Part II, just as the ending of the third film is similar to the original. Way to be creative. As I mentioned in the review of the third film, I enjoyed the "slasher" aspect, and I still do here. Unfortunately, it's starting to grow a bit stale. This is the first time I watched any of the Friday the 13th films past the third installment, so hopefully the next... six... films have some more originality.

Friday the 13th Part III (1982)

Friday the 13th Part III (1982)

Directed by: Steve Miner
Screenplay by: Martin Kitrosser and Carol Watson

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 95 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

A new dimension in terror...

[IMDb]

Comments: I know the first thing I would do after a handful of teens were unmercifully slaughtered by a crazed maniac the police haven't caught yet is go to a cabin with my teen friends a few miles down the road. And that's what the cast of Friday the 13th Part III does, which is great for us, because they get the shit sliced out of them too! Jason apparently had some time on his hands as well, because he decided to shave his head and hit the gym, adding what looks like 50 pounds of muscle in a week since the last film. He healed up pretty damn well from the machete chop to his neck as well. However, Friday the 13th Part III delivers in terms of the "slasher" aspect of the film, which is why I enjoyed this installment. You just have to ignore the errors in logic, like at the end when the main chick is sitting in the boat, and she has a nightmare where Jason's mother comes out of the lake and attacks her. Why would she dream this? She has no prior knowledge of Jason's mother or the events of the first two films. But, the rest of the film isn't half bad, and overall it's a decent sequel for what it is. I believe I hear the fourth installment spinning up in my DVD player now...

Friday the 13th Part II (1981)

Friday the 13th Part II (1981)

Directed by: Steve Miner
Screenplay by: Ron Kurz

Genre: Horror | Mystery | Thriller
Running Time: 87 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

The body count continues...

[IMDb]

Comments: Although the plot is relatively similar to the first film, I've always enjoyed the second installment of the Friday the 13th series. The only part of the film that got on my nerves was Ginny's magical knowledge of Jason. In the bar, she speculates about how Jason lived and how he evolved into a monster. The only point was to tell the audience about his origins, but she would have no idea what he did or how he became the monster. At the end, when she acts like his mother, it's amazing how she speaks exactly like his mother, even though she would have no prior knowledge of these facts. But that's all I'm going to rip on Friday the 13th Part II. The funniest part of the film is seeing how Jason has changed over the years, from the normal-sized man wearing overalls with a sack over his head to a metal-masked behemoth in space. Although the film isn't all that great or original, it's still fun and enjoyable. And now we move into 3D...

Adventureland (2009)

Adventureland (2009)

Directed by: Greg Mottola
Screenplay by: Greg Mottola

Genre: Comedy | Drama | Romance
Running Time: 107 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

It was the worst job they ever imagined... and the best time of their
  lives.

[IMDb]

Comments: Normally, I would have moved on to Friday the 13th Part 2, but I picked up Adventureland today, which I have wanted to see since it was released (mainly because I loved Greg Mottola's Superbad). I knew from reviews that the film was more of a drama than comedy, so I was prepared for that aspect of the film. If anything, the comedy felt out of place and forced in parts (Kristen Wiig's role was both annoying and completely unnecessary). I did have a hard time liking Jesse Eisenberg's lead character at first, only because it was similar to the role he had in The Squid and the Whale, where he was intelligent and witty, yet annoying and a douchebag. In Adventureland, he's again intelligent and witty, but he's generally a nice guy as well. Overall, Greg Mottola has made another great film. I heartily enjoyed Adventureland, and I am anxiously awaiting his next film, Paul, which stars Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Jason Bateman (and Kristen Wiig too!).

Friday the 13th (1980)

Friday the 13th (1980)

Directed by: Sean S. Cunningham
Screenplay by: Victor Miller

Genre: Horror | Mystery | Thriller
Running Time: 95 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

You'll wish it were only a nightmare...

[IMDb]

Comments: I enjoyed watching all the Halloween films so much that I decided to continue forward with horror series (provided I don't get tired of shitty sequels, I might continue this through Halloween [the holiday]). I've always had a soft spot for the original Friday the 13th, despite the fact that the film borrows heavily from Halloween (and the score is straight out of Psycho). The film is always entertaining, and the final act has some truly tense moments. Plus, the death scenes are awesome (Tom Savini FTW!) and fairly realistic, especially for 1980 (before horror films started using the ever-shitty CGI). I've only see the first three Friday the 13th films (and Freddy vs. Jason), so I'm looking forward to the seven other films in the series. I think.

Bay of Blood (1971)

Bay of Blood (1971)

Directed by: Mario Bava
Screenplay by: Mario Bava, Filippo Ottoni, and Giuseppe Zaccariello

Genre: Horror | Mystery | Thriller
Running Time: 84 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

They came to play, they stayed to die.

[IMDb]

Comments: I recently purchased Anchor Bay's second Mario Bava box set. I was pretty excited, as I haven't seen too many of his highly-regarded horror films, and I was anxious to dig in. I decided to go with Bay of Blood first, as it's one of the original slasher-type films, and it's regarded fairly well. I also recently read a top-ten list over at Fangoria from earlier this year, where the columnist named Bay of Blood his second favorite foreign horror film of all time. To that I say: really? I found the first half of the film to be a mess. A ton of characters are introduced, but we then switch gears and follow around a group of teens for 20+ minutes. They are killed (rather awesomely), but I had no idea why. Bava's direction was also distracting, as he continuously faded in and out of scenes, over and over again. The narrative wasn't set in motion until about 30 minutes into the film, and then the opening events are tied in. Bay of Blood's second half is much better, throwing in a few twists while using flashbacks to explain just what the hell is happening. However, despite the awesome violence and almost everyone dying, the film never really pulls everything together in a cohesive fashion (read: the plot is fucking ridiculous). I think if the script were retooled a bit, Bay of Blood could have been a much better film. As it is, this slasher will remain fairly average.

Also Known As: Reazione a Catena, Twitch of the Death Nerve

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Directed by: Rick Rosenthal
Screenplay by: Larry Brand and Sean Hood

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 94 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Evil finds its way home.

[IMDb]

Comments: Director Rick Rosenthal apparently had nothing better to do, as he returned 21 years after making Halloween II to make the abomination that was Halloween: Resurrection. The only thing that I liked about the film was the explanation as to how Michael Myers was still alive. It fit incredibly well with how the last film ended without taking too many liberties. Unfortunately, the rest of the film is complete shit. There are so many plot holes (How is Michael Myers secretly stomping about a house filled with cameras and no one notices? Why are only Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes the only people in charge? Where are all the technical people and other Dangertainment employees?) and ridiculous plot devices (Busta Rhymes doing kung-fu) that I felt the need to punch kittens (and I love kittens). In all my years of rating and reviewing films (although this blog dates back to April, I've been doing versions of this since 2004), I can't think of many I've given zero stars. I usually find something to enjoy. But I hated Halloween: Resurrection with a passion, and I am glad that this version of the film series has ended. While I enjoyed Rob Zombie's reimagining of the series, I fear that it will soon start to produce Halloween: Resurrection-type films, as the third film (due next year) will be made without Zombie. But, because I am a shithead, I will keep watching them.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

Directed by: Steve Miner
Screenplay by: Robert Zappia and Matt Greenberg

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 86 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

This summer, terror won't be taking a vacation.

[IMDb]

Comments: I always liked the fact that at the beginning of Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part 4, Troma asks the viewers to forget about the previous two films, as they weren't very good. Unfortunately, no such forward is given in Halloween H20: 20 Years Later, and it's a bit into the film that we realize we are supposed to forget about the fourth, fifth, and sixth installments of the franchise (I guess you could throw the third in there as well). There's no mention of Laurie's other daughter, Jamie, nor her granddaughter. I guess those things occurred in Imaginationland. Unfortunately, forgetting those films really doesn't matter as Halloween H20: 20 Years Later isn't much different. Most were subpar (I did enjoy Halloween 4), as is this film, the sixth sequel. Halloween H20: 20 Years Later barely feels like a Halloween film; it feels more like the other late '90s slasher films that caused a reemergence of the genre (Scream comes to mind). However, it is a fitting end to the franchise, and the series finally could be put to rest with a definitive and happy ending. So naturally, they made another one.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal
  Skull (2008)

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Screenplay by: David Koepp

Genre: Action | Adventure
Running Time: 122 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: Owned DVD

The adventure continues...

[IMDb]

Comments: I took a break from the Halloween series to watch the crapfest that was Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The movie is a combination of The Mummy and a big summer blockbuster with little roots in reality, with some fucking aliens thrown in. Yes, aliens. The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (I am no longer going to drag Indy's name through the mud by mentioning it in the title) is so completely unrealistic that it puts Mola Ram's heart-ripping to shame. I don't even feel like wasting my time writing anymore, so I'll end with a short plea: please don't make a fifth film with Shia LaBeouf as the lead character. Or with Harrison Ford as the main character. Or another film at all.

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Directed by: Joe Chappelle
Screenplay by: Daniel Farrands

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 88 Minutes (Theatrical Cut)
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Terror never rests in peace.

[IMDb]

Comments: I think the only reason I rated Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers as high as I did (two whole stars!) was because I know that somewhere, a full version of the film exists. The Producer's Cut, which has never been officially released on DVD, is 40+ minutes longer and I'm sure explores many ideas which where cut out of this film. The entire Thorn plotline is brought up only to be explained in 20 seconds and then is forgotten for the rest of the film. Most of the "horror" is standard and not worth noting. I did, however, enjoy the final chase, as the pounding drums in the score were rather neat. But ultimately, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers is another forgettable sequel. I am going to try and track down a copy of the Producer's Cut, but until then, I guess we're on to number 7...

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

Directed by: Dominique Othenin-Girard
Screenplay by: Michael Jacobs, Dominique Othenin-Girard, and Shem
  Bitterman

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 96 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Michael lives. And this time they're ready!

[IMDb]

Comments: Everything that made Halloween 4 a quality sequel is completely absent in Halloween 5. The script is a mess, as old and new characters run around screaming most of the time with no real point. All of the suspense and curiosity is gone, replaced by boredom and disinterest. Donald Pleasence's Loomis is almost completely senile by now (the transformation started in the fourth film), as he often has a blank expression on his face while shouting randomly at Michael Myers. And - wait a minute! I am a fucking idiot. The little girl from this film and Halloween 4 plays Annie in Rob Zombie's Halloween films! How the hell did I not know this? What is wrong with me? And now on to Halloween 6...

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

Directed by: Dwight H. Little
Screenplay by: Alan B. McElroy

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 88 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Horror has returned to Haddonfield.

[IMDb]

Comments: Perhaps it was because Halloween III severely lacked Michael Myers, but I looked forward to and enjoyed watching Halloween 4. Once again, no sequel will ever compare to the original, but Halloween 4 is a competent film that carries on the Myers legacy. I did have a few problems with the film, but two stood out. First, the film felt very PG-13ish. Granted, this was made in 1988, because if it was made today, it definitely would have been rated PG-13. The best (and worst) example was definitely the Sheriff's daughter, whose large lady cannons were primed to make their on-screen debut... and then they cut away. The second part that annoyed me was that Michael Myers was EVERYWHERE. I understand that you can shoot a bazooka four inches from his head and he'll survive, but he never moves faster than a walk. Yet he was at the Carruthers' house, then at the power station, then back near the house, and then in the back of the cop car. And at the end of the film, everyone started appearing out of nowhere, even though no one knew where anyone else was going to be (did that make any sense?). While Halloween 4 certainly isn't a classic, it's definitely a flawed but solid entry in the Myers anthology. And now on to number five...