Even though no one reads this goddamn blog, along with the fact that I have the writing prowess of a chimpanzee, I have decided to do a live blog of the Oscars. I will compare the actual results to my predictions, and make generally asinine comments.
7:38 pm: I just turned on E! and they are interviewing Gabourey Sidibe. I feel bad, because she seems like a wonderful person, but holy shit she looks like Grimace. And her dress is even purple.
7:40 pm: The guy hosting the pre-show (not Ryan Seacrest) has to be one of the gayest looking guys I've ever seen. I fully support gay rights, but this dude has dyed his hair gray and is extremely effeminate. Dude, if you want to bang dudes, whatever. But be a man about it.
7:46 pm: I've stopped paying attention for a while. Not to gang up more on Sidibe, but I was watching Tosh.0 the other day and he mentioned that it would be hard for her to win an Oscar since she was in The Blind Side as well. I LOL'd.
7:50 pm: Jason Bateman just mentioned hanging out with Will Arnett at the Olympics. I completely marked out as Arrested Development is one of my all-time favorites.
7:53 pm: I want to punch the gray-haired "guy" in the face.
7:54 pm: I also really hope there's a lot of upsets. Sure, I would look like a fool (and not win the Oscar contest I entered at my local movie theater, where I could win passes for a movie a week for a whole year), but I think it would make the night a lot more interesting.
7:59 pm: Chris Pine was just talking. I saw some paparazzi pictures of him with Olivia Munn a few weeks ago. I'm going to assume they banged. I now hate Captain Kirk. Oh, and his father is this guy from CHiPs. Switching over to ABC...
8:02 pm: I think when they talk about Maggie Gyllenhaal they should show scenes from her in Strip Search. I also think that if I keep "blogging" at this rate, this post is going to be hella long.
8:13 pm: I left for awhile cause I don't give a shit about the pre-show. I came back and JLo is on TV. I can't fucking stand her. She almost completely ruined An Unfinished Life for me.
8:14 pm: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a goddamn pterodactyl. How is it in a world where (female) celebrities have to be gorgeous to be popular, she manages to keep putting out movies?
8:17 pm: Why is it that every time I see the preview for the douche from Twilight's new movie, Remember Me, I want to watch it? Oh yeah, because they use Sia's absolutely amazing song "Breathe Me" in the TV spot. That song could make me want to watch... well, anything.
8:21 pm: I cannot stand Miley Cyrus either. Oh, and when does she turn 18?
8:31 pm: The show's under way. NPH is in the house. Now he's a prime example of an awesome gay man. Take note, gray-haired dude.
8:34 pm: For the record, I like Steve Martin, but do not care for Alec Baldwin. Baldwin's alright if he has a good role, but Martin never seems to be in any good movies anymore.
8:42 pm: The opening was a bit painful. It was way too scripted, but there were some funny lines.
8:47 pm: Best Supporting Actor goes to Christoph Waltz. Upset of the night! Or not. Still, Waltz is the man. 1 for 1 on picks for the evening.
8:50 pm: And Ryan Reynolds just showed us why he should stick to comedy films. He tried to introduce The Blind Side as dramatically as possible, and it didn't really work.
8:56 pm: Cameron Diaz just completely fucked up. It sounds as though it wasn't her fault (she blamed it on the teleprompter), but it's Cameron Diaz, so it's always her fault.
8:58 pm: Best Animated Film goes to Up. Upset of the night! Or not. Still, Up is a fantastic film. 2 for 2 on picks this evening. Pete Docter is goofy looking, but he makes great films at Pixar (Toy Story, WALL-E).
9:00 pm: Miley Cyrus looks like she's 7 feet tall. And Amanda Seyfried, I look forward to seeing you in Chloe. Although I definitely want to see the film, I'm much more interested in the fact that she's going to be naked in it.
9:03 pm: Best Original Song goes to the guys from Crazy Heart. I didn't pick that category, but I believe it was pretty obvious they were going to win.
9:05 pm: Here comes Chris Pine to rub it in my face that he slept with Olivia Munn. Or to introduce District 9. Fantastic film.
9:15 pm: Best Original Screenplay goes to The Hurt Locker. I almost just wrote "The Hurt Licker." That would have been a great title. 3 for 3. The banter between Robert Downey Jr. and Tina Fey beforehand was the funniest thing so far tonight.
9:20 pm: They're doing a John Hughes tribute. I forgot he wrote Home Alone. He certainly was the man in the '80s.
9:23 pm: Up is being introduced for Best Picture. If the opening 15 minutes of that film didn't make you cry, you don't have a heart.
9:30 pm: Best Animated Short Film goes to Logorama. It looks like it might be an interesting little piece. The guy accepting the award is pretty funny too.
9:34 pm: Best Documentary Short Film goes to Music by Prudence. The woman accepting this award is annoying and I want her to go away. She also looks like she is pulling a Kanye West. And they cut her off! Haha, even better.
9:36 pm: Best Live Action Short Film goes to The New Tenants. It's time for the rapid-fire awards section. Some old dude got cut off as well. The Academy is telling people what's up.
9:41 pm: Best Makeup goes to Star Trek. Woo! I loved Star Trek so at least they got something. Ben Stiller was a bit annoying while presenting the award. But then again, I almost always think Ben Stiller's annoying.
9:47 pm: I would do bad things to Rachel McAdams.
9:50 pm: Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Precious. I had no idea who would win this, but I guessed correctly. I am awesome. 4 for 4.
9:52 pm: Prior years had so many clips and montages of films over the years. This year's show does not. This makes me sad.
9:53 pm: They just showed a half second of Big Bad Mama while recapping some other show I don't give a shit about. Word!
9:59 pm: Best Supporting Actress goes to Mo'Nique. Upset of the night! Or not. 5 for 5. She looked like she deserved it, though. Every time I see Maggie Gyllenhaal, I want to give her a hug or something. She always looks so sweet and lovable. Also, Up in the Air is such a fantastic film; I love watching clips from it.
10:02 pm: The announcer lady just said a salute to horror films is coming up. What!? That could be awesome (or horrible), but it certainly piques my interest.
10:06 pm: Best Art Direction goes to Avatar. There's a shock.
10:09 pm: Ahh! The pterodactyl is back! My eyes! Actually, SJP kind of looks like a horse, too.
10:10 pm: Best Costume Design goes to The Young Victoria. And I don't care.
10:11 pm: I would do bad things to Charlize Theron.
10:17 pm: Baldwin and Martin just spoofed Paranormal Activity. It wasn't that funny.
10:18 pm: The shits from Twilight are the ones talking about horror? What-the-fuck-ever.
10:21 pm: The horror segment was passable. They showed all the standards, along with some lesser-known horror films. I saw Leprechaun and Matthew McConaughey in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation in there. They also included Twilight, which makes me want to stab people. For the record, I didn't think the movie was horrible, I just think that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are a bunch of barely functional retards. Have you ever listened to them speak? Taylor Lautner seems somewhat normal, though. Oh, and it's not a goddamn horror movie.
10:24 pm: Best Sound Editing goes to The Hurt Locker. You lose Avatar! Well, at least in this category.
10:26 pm: Best Sound Mixing goes to The Hurt Locker.
10:28 pm: I would do bad things to Elizabeth Banks.
10:29 pm: Vincent Vega just introduced Inglourious Basterds.
10:34 pm: Sandra Bullock showed up to accept her award at the Razzies last night. That takes balls. I still think she's a mediocre actress that generally makes shitty movies. Actually, she's a pretty good actress. She just hides her talent with - you guessed it - shitty movies.
10:35 pm: Best Cinematography goes to Avatar. Yawn.
10:37 pm: Time to show the people that died. As morbid as this sounds, I like this segment. Not because they died, but the segment is almost always well done.
10:45 pm: Jennifer Lopez looks like she's wearing bubble wrap.
10:52 pm: Best Original Score goes to Up. I was really hoping that would win, it was a great score.
10:54 pm: Best Visual Effects goes to Avatar. Who would have thought??
11:04 pm: Best Documentary goes to The Cove. Damnit, I finally missed one. 5 for 6. Congrats, Fisher Stevens. But your best work was on It's Always Sunny. Some dude held up a sign and the cameras cut away. I wasn't paying attention, so I didn't see what it said.
11:07 pm: Best Editing goes to The Hurt Locker. Eat it, Cameron! Oh wait, we're not on the big awards yet. Tyler Perry presented the award, and even though I haven't seen anything he's made (nor do I want to), he is extremely charismatic and comfortable on stage. I've decided he's alright in my book.
11:08 pm: Keanu Reeves at the Oscars. Hahahaha.
11:12 pm: The dude that was on stage during The Cove's win held up a sign that said "Text Dolphin to 44144." That's coming from Entertainment Weekly's live blog. Mine's better, but they have some interesting behind-the-scenes information. Like Sam Worthington got a free beer, and Woody Harrelson broke a glass along with bitching that Christoph Waltz won.
11:16 pm: Best Documentary goes to The Secret in Their Eyes. Totally missed this one as well. 5 for 7. The director just ripped on Avatar while accepting the award ("Thanks to the Academy for not considering Na'vi a foreign language"), so he's OK in my book.
11:21 pm: So the big four are coming up. Just thought I'd mention this before they are announced. When I submitted my ballot for free movie passes for a year, I picked Gabourey Sidibe as the best actress. This was before I realized that EVERYONE thinks Sandra Bullock is going to win (and so I picked her in my prediction). So I'm really rooting for Sidibe, because movie passes mean a helluva lot more than my damn predictions.
11:24 pm: I wonder if Michelle Pfeiffer and Fisher Stevens hung out backstage.
11:29 pm: I loved the choices for some of the presenters that have ties to either the films, actors, or directors. Case-in-point, Freeman and Robbins.
11:33 pm: Best Actor goes to Jeff Bridges. Upset of the night! Or not. 6 for 8. The Dude abides.
11:48 pm: Best Actress goes to Sandra Bullock. 7 for 9. Is this show over yet?
11:49 pm: I would do bad things to Meryl Streep. Seriously.
11:55 pm: Best Director goes to Kathryn Bigelow. Suck it Cameron! 8 for 10.
11:55 pm: I would do bad things to Kathryn Bigelow as well. Damn you Cameron!
11:57 pm: Holy shit, this show is taking forever.
11:58 pm: Best Picture goes to The Hurt Locker. 9 for 11. One last time, suck it Avatar!
11:59 pm: Holy shit, Kathryn Bigelow is 58!! Woah.
12:00 pm: Some quick post-Oscars thoughts. The show was generally passable. It was way too long and way to predictable, but there were a few funny moments. They need to do a pre-show to give away some of the smaller awards, because it's not very conducive to engaging television. I went 9 for 11 on my predictions, and I only missed in the Documentary and Foreign Film. I hadn't seen a single film in the bunch, so I think I did pretty damn good. For my free movie passes for a year, I went 5 for 6 or 6 for 7 (I can't remember how many questions they asked), only missing Sandra Bullock. I wish I would have waited a little bit longer, or I would have won it all! I'm fucking sick of typing. Goodnight.
7:38 pm: I just turned on E! and they are interviewing Gabourey Sidibe. I feel bad, because she seems like a wonderful person, but holy shit she looks like Grimace. And her dress is even purple.
7:40 pm: The guy hosting the pre-show (not Ryan Seacrest) has to be one of the gayest looking guys I've ever seen. I fully support gay rights, but this dude has dyed his hair gray and is extremely effeminate. Dude, if you want to bang dudes, whatever. But be a man about it.
7:46 pm: I've stopped paying attention for a while. Not to gang up more on Sidibe, but I was watching Tosh.0 the other day and he mentioned that it would be hard for her to win an Oscar since she was in The Blind Side as well. I LOL'd.
7:50 pm: Jason Bateman just mentioned hanging out with Will Arnett at the Olympics. I completely marked out as Arrested Development is one of my all-time favorites.
7:53 pm: I want to punch the gray-haired "guy" in the face.
7:54 pm: I also really hope there's a lot of upsets. Sure, I would look like a fool (and not win the Oscar contest I entered at my local movie theater, where I could win passes for a movie a week for a whole year), but I think it would make the night a lot more interesting.
7:59 pm: Chris Pine was just talking. I saw some paparazzi pictures of him with Olivia Munn a few weeks ago. I'm going to assume they banged. I now hate Captain Kirk. Oh, and his father is this guy from CHiPs. Switching over to ABC...
8:02 pm: I think when they talk about Maggie Gyllenhaal they should show scenes from her in Strip Search. I also think that if I keep "blogging" at this rate, this post is going to be hella long.
8:13 pm: I left for awhile cause I don't give a shit about the pre-show. I came back and JLo is on TV. I can't fucking stand her. She almost completely ruined An Unfinished Life for me.
8:14 pm: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a goddamn pterodactyl. How is it in a world where (female) celebrities have to be gorgeous to be popular, she manages to keep putting out movies?
8:17 pm: Why is it that every time I see the preview for the douche from Twilight's new movie, Remember Me, I want to watch it? Oh yeah, because they use Sia's absolutely amazing song "Breathe Me" in the TV spot. That song could make me want to watch... well, anything.
8:21 pm: I cannot stand Miley Cyrus either. Oh, and when does she turn 18?
8:31 pm: The show's under way. NPH is in the house. Now he's a prime example of an awesome gay man. Take note, gray-haired dude.
8:34 pm: For the record, I like Steve Martin, but do not care for Alec Baldwin. Baldwin's alright if he has a good role, but Martin never seems to be in any good movies anymore.
8:42 pm: The opening was a bit painful. It was way too scripted, but there were some funny lines.
8:47 pm: Best Supporting Actor goes to Christoph Waltz. Upset of the night! Or not. Still, Waltz is the man. 1 for 1 on picks for the evening.
8:50 pm: And Ryan Reynolds just showed us why he should stick to comedy films. He tried to introduce The Blind Side as dramatically as possible, and it didn't really work.
8:56 pm: Cameron Diaz just completely fucked up. It sounds as though it wasn't her fault (she blamed it on the teleprompter), but it's Cameron Diaz, so it's always her fault.
8:58 pm: Best Animated Film goes to Up. Upset of the night! Or not. Still, Up is a fantastic film. 2 for 2 on picks this evening. Pete Docter is goofy looking, but he makes great films at Pixar (Toy Story, WALL-E).
9:00 pm: Miley Cyrus looks like she's 7 feet tall. And Amanda Seyfried, I look forward to seeing you in Chloe. Although I definitely want to see the film, I'm much more interested in the fact that she's going to be naked in it.
9:03 pm: Best Original Song goes to the guys from Crazy Heart. I didn't pick that category, but I believe it was pretty obvious they were going to win.
9:05 pm: Here comes Chris Pine to rub it in my face that he slept with Olivia Munn. Or to introduce District 9. Fantastic film.
9:15 pm: Best Original Screenplay goes to The Hurt Locker. I almost just wrote "The Hurt Licker." That would have been a great title. 3 for 3. The banter between Robert Downey Jr. and Tina Fey beforehand was the funniest thing so far tonight.
9:20 pm: They're doing a John Hughes tribute. I forgot he wrote Home Alone. He certainly was the man in the '80s.
9:23 pm: Up is being introduced for Best Picture. If the opening 15 minutes of that film didn't make you cry, you don't have a heart.
9:30 pm: Best Animated Short Film goes to Logorama. It looks like it might be an interesting little piece. The guy accepting the award is pretty funny too.
9:34 pm: Best Documentary Short Film goes to Music by Prudence. The woman accepting this award is annoying and I want her to go away. She also looks like she is pulling a Kanye West. And they cut her off! Haha, even better.
9:36 pm: Best Live Action Short Film goes to The New Tenants. It's time for the rapid-fire awards section. Some old dude got cut off as well. The Academy is telling people what's up.
9:41 pm: Best Makeup goes to Star Trek. Woo! I loved Star Trek so at least they got something. Ben Stiller was a bit annoying while presenting the award. But then again, I almost always think Ben Stiller's annoying.
9:47 pm: I would do bad things to Rachel McAdams.
9:50 pm: Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Precious. I had no idea who would win this, but I guessed correctly. I am awesome. 4 for 4.
9:52 pm: Prior years had so many clips and montages of films over the years. This year's show does not. This makes me sad.
9:53 pm: They just showed a half second of Big Bad Mama while recapping some other show I don't give a shit about. Word!
9:59 pm: Best Supporting Actress goes to Mo'Nique. Upset of the night! Or not. 5 for 5. She looked like she deserved it, though. Every time I see Maggie Gyllenhaal, I want to give her a hug or something. She always looks so sweet and lovable. Also, Up in the Air is such a fantastic film; I love watching clips from it.
10:02 pm: The announcer lady just said a salute to horror films is coming up. What!? That could be awesome (or horrible), but it certainly piques my interest.
10:06 pm: Best Art Direction goes to Avatar. There's a shock.
10:09 pm: Ahh! The pterodactyl is back! My eyes! Actually, SJP kind of looks like a horse, too.
10:10 pm: Best Costume Design goes to The Young Victoria. And I don't care.
10:11 pm: I would do bad things to Charlize Theron.
10:17 pm: Baldwin and Martin just spoofed Paranormal Activity. It wasn't that funny.
10:18 pm: The shits from Twilight are the ones talking about horror? What-the-fuck-ever.
10:21 pm: The horror segment was passable. They showed all the standards, along with some lesser-known horror films. I saw Leprechaun and Matthew McConaughey in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation in there. They also included Twilight, which makes me want to stab people. For the record, I didn't think the movie was horrible, I just think that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are a bunch of barely functional retards. Have you ever listened to them speak? Taylor Lautner seems somewhat normal, though. Oh, and it's not a goddamn horror movie.
10:24 pm: Best Sound Editing goes to The Hurt Locker. You lose Avatar! Well, at least in this category.
10:26 pm: Best Sound Mixing goes to The Hurt Locker.
10:28 pm: I would do bad things to Elizabeth Banks.
10:29 pm: Vincent Vega just introduced Inglourious Basterds.
10:34 pm: Sandra Bullock showed up to accept her award at the Razzies last night. That takes balls. I still think she's a mediocre actress that generally makes shitty movies. Actually, she's a pretty good actress. She just hides her talent with - you guessed it - shitty movies.
10:35 pm: Best Cinematography goes to Avatar. Yawn.
10:37 pm: Time to show the people that died. As morbid as this sounds, I like this segment. Not because they died, but the segment is almost always well done.
10:45 pm: Jennifer Lopez looks like she's wearing bubble wrap.
10:52 pm: Best Original Score goes to Up. I was really hoping that would win, it was a great score.
10:54 pm: Best Visual Effects goes to Avatar. Who would have thought??
11:04 pm: Best Documentary goes to The Cove. Damnit, I finally missed one. 5 for 6. Congrats, Fisher Stevens. But your best work was on It's Always Sunny. Some dude held up a sign and the cameras cut away. I wasn't paying attention, so I didn't see what it said.
11:07 pm: Best Editing goes to The Hurt Locker. Eat it, Cameron! Oh wait, we're not on the big awards yet. Tyler Perry presented the award, and even though I haven't seen anything he's made (nor do I want to), he is extremely charismatic and comfortable on stage. I've decided he's alright in my book.
11:08 pm: Keanu Reeves at the Oscars. Hahahaha.
11:12 pm: The dude that was on stage during The Cove's win held up a sign that said "Text Dolphin to 44144." That's coming from Entertainment Weekly's live blog. Mine's better, but they have some interesting behind-the-scenes information. Like Sam Worthington got a free beer, and Woody Harrelson broke a glass along with bitching that Christoph Waltz won.
11:16 pm: Best Documentary goes to The Secret in Their Eyes. Totally missed this one as well. 5 for 7. The director just ripped on Avatar while accepting the award ("Thanks to the Academy for not considering Na'vi a foreign language"), so he's OK in my book.
11:21 pm: So the big four are coming up. Just thought I'd mention this before they are announced. When I submitted my ballot for free movie passes for a year, I picked Gabourey Sidibe as the best actress. This was before I realized that EVERYONE thinks Sandra Bullock is going to win (and so I picked her in my prediction). So I'm really rooting for Sidibe, because movie passes mean a helluva lot more than my damn predictions.
11:24 pm: I wonder if Michelle Pfeiffer and Fisher Stevens hung out backstage.
11:29 pm: I loved the choices for some of the presenters that have ties to either the films, actors, or directors. Case-in-point, Freeman and Robbins.
11:33 pm: Best Actor goes to Jeff Bridges. Upset of the night! Or not. 6 for 8. The Dude abides.
11:48 pm: Best Actress goes to Sandra Bullock. 7 for 9. Is this show over yet?
11:49 pm: I would do bad things to Meryl Streep. Seriously.
11:55 pm: Best Director goes to Kathryn Bigelow. Suck it Cameron! 8 for 10.
11:55 pm: I would do bad things to Kathryn Bigelow as well. Damn you Cameron!
11:57 pm: Holy shit, this show is taking forever.
11:58 pm: Best Picture goes to The Hurt Locker. 9 for 11. One last time, suck it Avatar!
11:59 pm: Holy shit, Kathryn Bigelow is 58!! Woah.
12:00 pm: Some quick post-Oscars thoughts. The show was generally passable. It was way too long and way to predictable, but there were a few funny moments. They need to do a pre-show to give away some of the smaller awards, because it's not very conducive to engaging television. I went 9 for 11 on my predictions, and I only missed in the Documentary and Foreign Film. I hadn't seen a single film in the bunch, so I think I did pretty damn good. For my free movie passes for a year, I went 5 for 6 or 6 for 7 (I can't remember how many questions they asked), only missing Sandra Bullock. I wish I would have waited a little bit longer, or I would have won it all! I'm fucking sick of typing. Goodnight.
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