The Telling (2009)

The Telling (2008)

Directed by: Nicholas Carpenter
Screenplay by: Joe Lessard

Genre: Horror | Mystery | Thriller
Running Time: 84 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Netflix Watch Instantly

Everyone's dying to be them.

[IMDb]

Comments: Gah, this was fucking terrible. I'm sorry, but if I'm going to watch a horror anthology film that was mostly filmed at the Playboy Mansion, starring a number of Playboy Playmates (including 2/3 of The Girls Next Door), I want this movie to be basically about boobs. Is that too much to ask? Because The Telling desperately needs something going for it, because the acting, writing, and direction is horrible. It's all horrible. Boobs, people. Boobs.

Sorority House Massacre (1986)

Sorority House Massacre (1986)

Directed by: Carol Frank
Screenplay by: Carol Frank

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 74 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Netflix Watch Instantly

Who'll survive the final exam?

[IMDb]

Comments: Jesus Christ, this movie was fucking terrible. Sorority House Massacre rips off just about every single aspect of John Carpenter's Halloween, and just makes it all so... bad. And it's so fucking boring, which is insane considering the film is barely over an hour long. And there's a sequel? The humanity! (Though the sad part is not the fact that a sequel exists, but if it was actually on Netflix Instant I probably would watch it anyway.)

Spike (2008)

Spike (2008)

Directed by: Robert Beaucage
Screenplay by: Robert Beaucage

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 80 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Rental DVD - Family Video

A Gothic fairytale.

[IMDb]

Comments: Wow, this was terrible. Spike started out interestingly enough with no backstory and characters doing the most random things (the one chick smacks the shit out of her lesbian lover with a ski to stop her from wandering off in the woods). But soon after the creature appears, things take a turn for the worse. The one girl is carried off, and we find out that she and the creature knew each other as children (when he was still hideous, and she was his only friend; not much else of a background is provided or maybe I just stopped paying attention). At this point we discover that Spike's not a horror movie, rather, it's a shit-ass drama about a sad monster and this dumb chick. It's terrible. I already wrote entirely too much, so now I'm done. Half a star for the chick hitting her bitch with a ski.

Mummy Maniac (2007)

Mummy Maniac (2007)

Directed by: Max Nikoff
Screenplay by: Max Nikoff

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 80 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Rental DVD - Family Video

Preserve the fear.

[IMDb]

Comments: Normally, one of the appeals of watching shitty horror movies for me is ranting and raving about an idiotic script, where the dumbest or most bizarre choices are made. Unfortunately, in Mummy Maniac, nothing idiotic really occurs. Nothing at all really happens. Some fat dude dresses up like a cop, abducts a girl, talks to her, kills her, and wraps her head like a mummy. Do this seven times in a row, and you have yourself a horror film! It's dreadfully slow, boring, and awful. There's nothing even remotely fun about Mummy Maniac. If you feel the need to watch this movie, do yourself a favor and break the disc in half. Use one half to slit your wrists. You'll be better served that way.

GothKill (2009)

GothKill (2009)

Directed by: JJ Connelly
Screenplay by: JJ Connelly

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 75 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Viewed: Owned DVD

It's open season on goth kids!

[IMDb]

Comments: Ugh. I was checking into Wild Eye Releasing's limited catalog the other day, as they released Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69 (see the review two posts down). I recognized GothKill, as I had seen it at the store the other day, so I decided to pick it up. I realized that it was probably going to be just as amateurish and bad as Blitzkrieg, but figured it could be just as fun as well. It's not. GothKill is a horrible mess of a film. It barely runs an hour and has to be padded by credits to reach 75 minutes. The story is about some dude who used to be a priest or monk or some shit that got burned at the stake for speaking out at brutality against supposed witches. So Satan sends him back to Earth to capture souls to reign over in Hell. But when he returns, Satan has stolen his minions, so he goes BACK to Earth in the body of this goth chick, kills a shit-ton of goth people, but decides that the innocent virgin body he's in is too pure, so he goes back to Hell with his new souls, sparing the chick's life. Yeah. The plot is generally retarded, as the main dude fucking kills everyone without knowing anything about them, yet apparently has a conscience when it comes to the main chick. What the fuck? Doesn't Satan love virgins? GothKill is a poorly made piece of shit. The violence is horrendous, and there's very little nudity (which could have been the saving grace). This movie blows.

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

Directed by: Danny Steinmann
Screenplay by: Martin Kitrosser, David Cohen, and Danny Steinmann

Genre: Horror | Mystery
Running Time: 92 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

If Jason still haunts you, you're not alone!

[IMDb]

Comments: Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning is a pretty fucking horrible film. From the bad acting, to the weak script, to just about everything else, the fifth entry in the Friday the 13th series is rather awful. The unfortunate part for me was that even though this was my first viewing of the film, I knew the "twist" ending, which probably ruined one of the few decent things about the film. Of course, had I not known the ending, I would have been more angry seeing as how Jason was hacked to bits by motherfucking Corey Feldman in the last film (I guess that anger will come out in the next film). The only other redeeming factor was the decent amount of nudity in A New Beginning, which is always welcome. I would have gotten to this sooner, but the dual attack of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and NHL 10 arrived in my mailbox last week, so they've been taking up a lot of my time. Now I wish they would have taken up more.