ThanksKilling (2009)

ThanksKilling (2009)

Directed by: Jordan Downey
Screenplay by: Jordan Downey and Kevin Stewart

Genre: Comedy | Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 66 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Netflix Watch Instantly

Gobble, gobble, motherfucker!

[IMDb]

Comments: This is quite possibly the stupidest fucking thing I've ever watched. And I like some stupid shit. But this was not working for me at all.

Hack Job (2011)

Hack Job (2011)

Directed by: James Balsamo
Screenplay by: James Balsamo

Genre: Comedy | Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 96 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Owned DVD

Get hacked!

[IMDb]

Comments: After going to a movie, I almost always stop and browse around FYE, a music/movie store located in the same mall. While generally overpriced, they have a wider selection of items than most other physical stores. I like them because they often get in various low budget horror films, like Hack Job. The film didn't look particularly good, but we all know how much I like watching this shit.

Hack Job is terrible beyond words. It's a complete amateurish mess. I "get" that it's supposed to be a bad spoof of horror films, but it fails so terrifically at that. I have no idea why any company looking at this would say, "yeah, this is something we should distribute to people." (Probably because suckers like me will buy it.) Everything is so poorly done that it's hard not to laugh pitifully at James Balsamo (and maybe send him a note that he should try his hand at something else). Yep, this is god-awful.

The Curse of Blanchard Hill (2006)

The Curse of Blanchard Hill (2006)

Directed by: Chris Hazenberg and Zach Klinefelter
Screenplay by: Zach Klinefelter

Genre: Comedy | Horror | Mystery | Thriller
Running Time: 74 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Viewed: Rental DVD - Family Video

Raped by nature.

[IMDb]

Comments: So my buddy and I decided to have a good old fashioned shitty horror movie night. While we were perusing our local rental store, a little film called The Curse of Blanchard Hill stood out at us. Why? Raped by nature. What a fucking tagline. How could you turn down a film like that?

I honestly don't know how Chris Hazenberg and Zach Klinefelter can look at this film and want other people to see it. I would be so unbelievably embarrassed. (And why a company, even a low budget horror company, would want to distribute this is beyond me.) The Curse of Blanchard Hill is so excruciatingly awful that it's not even funny. When it tries to be a horror film, it fails. When it tries to be a comedy, it fails. It looks like it was shot with someone's old VHS camcorder. All of the actors have to be friends of the directors, because they're not professionals - that's for sure. Everything about this movie is just... bad. (Don't get me wrong, either - when I rent a film like this, I never expect Oscar-caliber acting, expensive setpieces, or even a halfway decent movie. But I expect to like something about the film, or at least be partially entertained.)

To be honest, I had a lot more in my head that I wanted to write about The Curse of Blanchard Hill, but it's about twenty-four hours later now, and I just don't have the same eagerness to rip into the film now. (I'm also a little bummed because we also rented The Devil's Rock, a film I really wanted to see, but only ended up watching about thirty minutes before we tuckered out. What? I'm an old bastard now. A few more months and I'll officially be in my "late" twenties.) Anyway, I strongly recommend watching The Curse of Blanchard Hill if you're looking for a shitty horror movie night. You certainly can't get much shittier.

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrow

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrow (2004)

Directed by: Ben Dixon
Screenplay by: Amy Dixon and Ben Dixon

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 76 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

This season he takes his final bounty.

[IMDb]

Comments: Hysterically awful in just about every way possible. That pretty much sums up Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrow as best as I can. And it's not even part of the Dark Harvest series (not that I've seen any of the other films from that esteemed series), rather it's just some shitty movie made for $12 named Skarecrow that was repackaged. For some reason, I spent $.99 on this a few years back and never watched it. Now I know why. The acting's awful, the effects are dreadful, the script is ridiculously bad, and the camerawork is terrible. The absolute only way I would recommend this film is if you were fucking shitfaced with a bunch of like-minded friends. Then, it would be a great flick. Sadly, I was sober and alone. Yeah.

Also Known As: Skarecrow

Jason X (2001)

Jason X (2001)

Directed by: James Isaac
Screenplay by: Todd Farmer

Genre: Horror | Sci-Fi
Running Time: 93 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Evil gets an upgrade.

[IMDb]

Comments: Jesus fucking Christ. I was watching Mythbusters the other day, and they were testing a myth from Jason X, where Jason dips this chick's head into liquid nitrogen and the smashes her face. That gave me the urge to watch the film, which is one of the last few Friday the 13th films that I haven't seen. And what a horrible mess it is. Everything about Jason X feels like a horrible SciFi (er, I mean SyFy) film. The acting, the sets, the incredibly horrid score - it's as though Kane Hodder stepped onto the wrong set and they just decided to go with it. While the concept of Jason in space is awful, the creators could have at least made a fun film (the only funny part was the simulation where Jason was beating one chick in a sleeping bag with another chick in a sleeping bag - "we love premarital sex!"). Unfortunately, we're treated to complete cinematic drivel (has Sean Cunnigham seen Leprechaun 4: In Space too many times?). At least they brought in Freddy Krueger for the next film. But anyway, your time is better spent elsewhere. But you knew that already.

I Spit on Your Corpse, I Piss on Your Grave (2001)

I Spit on Your Corpse, I Piss on Your Grave (2001)

Directed by: Eric Stanze
Screenplay by: Eric Stanze

Genre: Drama | Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 71 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Viewed: I plead the fifth.

Revenge is just the beginning for her...

[IMDb]

Comments: Holy fucking shit. I Spit on Your Corpse, I Piss on Your Grave is without a doubt the worst film I have seen in years, perhaps in my life. Despite all of the gratuitous nudity (provided by fat men and an ugly bull-dyke with a '70s-style bush) and graphic violence, I wanted to rip my eyes out while slamming my head into the wall. Why, you ask? Because our wonderful director Eric Stanze, who will no doubt go on to win many Academy Awards, is a gigantic pretentious douchebag hack. He apparently decided that he wanted to make an "artsy" exploitation film, which means that we have a 10 minute segment (of a goddamn 70 minute film) in the beginning of random shots of a cemetery with depressing music. But we're not done there, no. We then have more shots of trees, pipes and basements, and people at odd angles (because we're edgy and cool filmmakers!) spread throughout the film. To cap it all off, our fearless lead, hairy bush bull-dyke, proceeds to violate herself with what looks like the end of a broom, in extreme close-up detail. I vomited in my mouth a little a lot. I can't believe I thought this would break up the repetitiveness of the Friday the 13th series. I would rather watch Halloween: Resurrection 20 times in a row than watch this dreck. I hope Eric Stanze gets AIDS.

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Directed by: Rick Rosenthal
Screenplay by: Larry Brand and Sean Hood

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 94 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Evil finds its way home.

[IMDb]

Comments: Director Rick Rosenthal apparently had nothing better to do, as he returned 21 years after making Halloween II to make the abomination that was Halloween: Resurrection. The only thing that I liked about the film was the explanation as to how Michael Myers was still alive. It fit incredibly well with how the last film ended without taking too many liberties. Unfortunately, the rest of the film is complete shit. There are so many plot holes (How is Michael Myers secretly stomping about a house filled with cameras and no one notices? Why are only Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes the only people in charge? Where are all the technical people and other Dangertainment employees?) and ridiculous plot devices (Busta Rhymes doing kung-fu) that I felt the need to punch kittens (and I love kittens). In all my years of rating and reviewing films (although this blog dates back to April, I've been doing versions of this since 2004), I can't think of many I've given zero stars. I usually find something to enjoy. But I hated Halloween: Resurrection with a passion, and I am glad that this version of the film series has ended. While I enjoyed Rob Zombie's reimagining of the series, I fear that it will soon start to produce Halloween: Resurrection-type films, as the third film (due next year) will be made without Zombie. But, because I am a shithead, I will keep watching them.