The Skeptic (2009)

The Skeptic (2009)

Directed by: Tennyson Bardwell
Screenplay by: Tennyson Bardwell

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 89 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Netflix Watch Instantly

What do you believe?

[IMDb]

Comments: I feel as though if the Lifetime network made horror movies, it would look an awful lot like The Skeptic. C-list actors spewing C-list dialogue in a C-list film. (I do realize Zoe Saldana went on to better things, but she does nothing for this movie.)

I had seen previews for The Skeptic several years ago on a DVD I was watching; it looked interesting but I never really sought it out. When I re-signed up with Netflix, I threw it on my queue while scrolling through the horror section, but it has remained untouched to this day. I didn't plan on watching the film this evening, but when perusing my list for something to watch, The Skeptic popped out at me. I kind of wish it didn't.

There's nothing particularly horrible about the film, but there's absolutely zero things good in it. If it had a few better actors and a more cohesive script, well, it would probably be a completely different movie. And that movie would probably be better. Anyway, enough rambling. Pick something else.

Hostel: Part III (2011)

Hostel: Part III (2011)

Directed by: Scott Spiegel
Screenplay by: Michael D. Weiss

Genre: Horror | Mystery | Thriller
Running Time: 88 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Netflix Watch Instantly

Do you feel lucky?

[IMDb]

Comments: This was pretty fucking terrible. Parts of it weren't bad, but the majority was a joke. Scott Spiegel, you should've stopped with Intruder.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (2008)

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (2008)

Directed by: Edward Neumeier
Screenplay by: Edward Neumeier

Genre: Action | Adventure | Sci-Fi
Running Time: 105 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

It's a good day to fry.

[IMDb]

Comments: For the first half or so I found myself enjoying Starship Troopers 3 - much like its predecessor. It was a fun science fiction film that, despite its cast and budget limitations, was decently enjoyable. But during the latter half of the film, writer/director Edward Neumeier (who also wrote the previous two films) takes the film in this crazy religious direction. Like the first film, Neumeier attempted to incorporate satirical elements into Starship Troopers 3. However, this time I couldn't decide if he was advocating for or lashing out against religion and it's use to control humanity. Add this to the fact that there was no good action going on, and you have a recipe for me completely checking out of the film. It's a shame too, because Starship Troopers 3 was close to being a solid DTV sequel.

Bikini Girls on Ice (2009)

Bikini Girls on Ice (2009)

Directed by: Geoff Klein
Screenplay by: Geoff Klein and Jeff Ross

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 81 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Netflix Watch Instantly

These girls are so hot, they need to be put on ice!

[IMDb]

Comments: What a fucking disappointment. Not that I expected this film to be good at all, but when I'm searching around Netflix at 1:30 in the goddamn morning and I pick a film like Bikini Girls on Ice, you can be sure as hell that all I want is two things out of it: boobs and violence. And I got a whole hell of a lot of neither in this movie. Sure, you have a bunch of no-talent-but-can-fill-the-fuck-out-of-a-bathing-suit girls running around the whole movie, but there was a drastically small amount of skin on display, which was a fucking shame. And sans one throat slitting scene, the violence was all off camera with your standard blood spatter flying everywhere. As a veteran shitty horror movie watcher, it's easy to spot when a film isn't going to deliver the goods, and you can usually tell before the halfway point. I could tell with Bikini Girls on Ice, but for whatever reason I kept watching. Yep, glutton for punishment here.

Run! Bitch Run! (2009)

Run! Bitch Run! (2009)

Directed by: Joseph Guzman
Screenplay by: Robert James Hayes II and Joseph Guzman

Genre: Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 90 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Netflix Watch Instantly

Payback's a bitch!

[IMDb]

Comments: Run! Bitch Run! is a terrible rip-off (or homage, as I'm sure the filmmakers would call it) of several films, notably Grindhouse and I Spit on Your Grave (and notably the latter film, as the rape scene in the woods is extremely reminiscent of the '80s cult classic). The revenge aspect was piss poor also, as the film's budgetary limitations were extremely evident, often cutting away before any real violence occurs. I did like the leading lady, a somewhat strange yet enticing looking woman (I generally like my women odd in exploitation films), who wasn't... exposed... nearly enough throughout. The rest of the cast looked like it was picked out of a trailer park. Yeah, Run! Bitch Run! isn't very good, but there's some part of me that enjoyed it. I can't really recommend it though.

Nude for Satan (1974)

Nude for Satan (1974)

Directed by: Luigi Batzella
Screenplay by: Luigi Batzella

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 82 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Netflix Watch Instantly

[IMDb]

Comments: So Conway Twitty gets into an accident outside of a castle. Some other chick that gets naked a lot also gets into an accident in the car behind him. They go into the castle at separate times, meet each other's doppelganger, and then that chick gets naked some more. It's not as cool as it sounds. The Devil hangs around a bit, so that's cool, but not really. One of the worst looking fake spiders I've ever scene terrorizes the chick, who's half naked. So there's that. But then Conway and his Doppelganger meet, and they start talking, and I fell asleep for ten minutes, and when I woke up they're still fucking talking. And then the chick goes to Hell and one of the worst looking orgies ever commences. And then Conway defeats evil by throwing a lamp at them. The end.

Requiem for a Vampire (1973)

Requiem for a Vampire (1973)

Directed by: Jean Rollin
Screenplay by: Jean Rollin

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 88 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Netflix Watch Instantly

[IMDb]

Comments: Requiem for a Vampire, the fourth Jean Rollin film I've watched in the span of twenty-four hours, was brutal. And not in the insanely violent awesome way, but in the dull, slow, and dreadfully painful way. Most of Rollin's films aren't high octane, fast-paced thrill-fests, but Requiem for a Vampire is a whole 'nother story. Granted, the film does star my other favorite Rollin actress, Marie-Pierre Castel (to go along with the lovely Brigitte Lahaie), but she can't come close to saving this film. And to think, I was going to watch The Grapes of Death, one of Rollin's most respected films, but I've enjoyed his vampire flicks so much that I figured I'd dive into another one this evening. In retrospect, perhaps it wasn't the best decision, though I likely would have watched Requiem for a Vampire anyway.

Speaking of Lahaie, I was able to track down and take a peak at some of her "other" films that she made prior to working with Rollin (the ones I made mention to in the previous post). Though the fact she does, well, everything expected in those films, to me it's still nowhere as cool as the whole scythe scene from Fascination. The fact that she was a completely different type of actress earlier in the '70s is all fine and dandy, but I was reminded as I "reviewed" a few of those films how much better actresses tend to look and come off in a respectable film. To top it all off, Marie-Pierre Castel has also performed in a few "other" movies for Jean Rollin. And wouldn't you know it, but I've managed to track down a few of those films as well (where she performs with her twin fucking sister, nonetheless). And the same thing I said for Lahaie applies here: I'll take a solidly made Rollin film over watching "everything" on display any day. Those "other" films are great for reference and research material, though.

Also Known As: Caged Virgins

Someone's Knocking at the Door (2009)

Someone's Knocking at the Door (2009)

Directed by: Chad Ferrin
Screenplay by: Chad Ferrin, Roham Ghodsi, and Rosie Roberts

Genre: Comedy | Horror
Running Time: 80 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Netflix Watch Instantly

The most depraved film of the 21st century.

[IMDb]

Comments: Four word review: Troma with production value.

Seriously though, I don't know what the fuck Someone's Knocking at the Door was all about. It tried to be a gross-out B-grade film, but there was about forty minutes of boredom between the interesting parts. Then it tried to be all clever and twisty during the final act; however, the script was plotted so piss-poorly that I had trouble following everything that Chad Ferrin was trying to do. The film certainly isn't the most deprave film this century either; sure, there's some giant mutant dicks hanging around, but that's about it. I think I've wasted enough time on Someone's Knocking at the Door. Pass.

Death Stop Holocaust (2009)

Death Stop Holocaust (2009)

Directed by: Justin Russell
Screenplay by: Justin Russell

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 80 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Rental DVD - Family Video

For two young women, an island paradise is about to become... a
  nightmare of terror!

[IMDb]

Comments: At long last, the return of shitty horror movie night! When I have an extended weekend in my hometown (and nothing better to do), I like to travel to my local Family Video and stock up on some movies I've wanted to see. This week though, I've been under the weather, but I'd managed it and I was starting to feel better.

Until last night. I'd watched about 20 minutes of Death Stop Holocaust (and actually liked it - the theme was cool and it was filmed in the famed "grindhouse" style), but I started to feel ill so I turned the film off around 10:00 pm. I woke up about two hours later spewing up my dinner from the night before; oh great, now I have the flu. After tossing and turning, we had another repeat of the spewing around 2:30. I was lucky enough to fall asleep, but woke up again at 4:00 am, but this time feeling alright. I couldn't sleep, so I dove back into Death Stop Holocaust. I should have let it go.

Even though the acting's bad, and the script's cliched and worthless, I liked the style and feel of the low budget film. Then we got an hour straight of the main character running around and screaming. Annoying when you're not sick, super annoying when you are sick and watching the film at 5:00 am. Death Stop Holocaust is bad. The opening theme is about the only redeeming factor of this rip-off hack of a horror film.

Though I haven't thrown up since finishing the film, so maybe it cured me!

Sugar Cookies (1973)

Sugar Cookies (1973)

Directed by: Theodore Gershuny
Screenplay by: Theodore Gershuny and Lloyd Kaufman

Genre: Drama | Horror
Running Time: 89 Minutes
MPAA Rating: X
Viewed: Owned DVD

Soft... sweet... satisfying.

[IMDb]

Comments: Yeah, this wasn't very good. If you think back a week, I was entranced by Lynn Lowry in Score. I liked the movie and I liked her, so I did a little research and found out she was in an early Lloyd Kaufman-produced film, Sugar Cookies, so I picked it up from Amazon. It also didn't hurt that she was nude in the film, which, as it turns out, was probably the best thing about the movie (mainly because she was barely clothed throughout; think of her as being the opposite of a "never-nude" Tobias in Arrested Development). Seriously. A lot.

There's also a story in Sugar Cookies somewhere, but it's muddled and drawn out - I could've cared less. If you're interested in a little '70s exploitation fare for the exploitation alone, you're in the right place. Otherwise, it's probably best to steer clear of these Cookies.

Backwoods Bloodbath: Curse of the Black Hodag (2007)

Backwoods Bloodbath: Curse of the Black
  Hodag (2007)

Directed by: Donn Kennedy
Screenplay by: Donn Kennedy and Brandon Semling

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 89 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Owned DVD

[IMDb]

Comments: Backwoods Bloodbath: Curse of the Black Hodag is a pretty fucking bad film, but it's rather hilarious at times. The writing, while ungodly awful, does have some one-liners that made me laugh. What makes it all the funnier is how poorly the lines were delivered by actors who wouldn't know comedic timing if it slapped them across the face. The other thing of note about the film is that the main actress had a body double. Seriously? I just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of some shit $50 actress in some sleazeball horror film who refuses to get naked. That just makes me giggle.

OK, those were only things of interest to me for the first half of the film. I'll be honest, I completely stopped paying attention after awhile. There was some stupid twist, and some people died, and there was some heroic shit at the end... yadda yadda yadda, you get the fucking picture.

Unhinged (1982)

Unhinged (1982)

Directed by: Don Gronquist
Screenplay by: Don Gronquist and Reagan Ramsey

Genre: Horror | Mystery
Running Time: 79 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Viewed: Owned DVD

The nightmare begins when you wake up.

[IMDb]

Comments: Finally, a horror film. This blog certainly needed a palette cleanser after all the random crap I've been watching lately. Unfortunately, my palette was cleansed with a healthy pile of shit. I picked up a used copy of Unhinged Friday after work from FYE. It looked promising, since the the cover touted extreme violence and nudity (along with being banned in Britain for a number of years). Sadly, while there's a little of both, neither really lived up to any hype that the cover promised. What we get is a long, drawn-out film that offers little in terms of the qualities that decent horror films possess. I definitely could have spent this $5 better elsewhere. Like on a beer.

The Girls Next Door - Season 6 (2009)

The Girls Next Door (2005-2009)

Created by: Kevin Burns and Hugh Hefner

Season: Six (2009)
Genre: Reality TV
Number of Episodes: 10
Episode Running Time: 30 Minutes
Viewed: Owned DVD

Six times the fun!

[IMDb]

Comments: I won't lie, I first watched The Girls Next Door on DVD a few years ago simply because I found out it was uncensored (hell fucking yeah!). I mean, as stupid as the show sounded, there was going to be three hot naked blonde chicks running around? Sign me up! But then as I watched the first season, I have to say... I started to like it. It's ridiculous, scripted, and most of all dumb, but I certainly enjoyed myself (the nudity didn't hurt either). Over the next few years, I'd pick up each season as it was released and watch it (there's no way in hell I was watching it on E!, because even though I enjoyed it, I didn't enjoy it enough to watch a censored version). Once the news came out that everyone broke up/moved out, I didn't really give a shit, but I was surprised to find that they filmed another season with new girls and didn't go solely for Kendra and Holly's spin-off shows. I debated picking this season up for a few weeks, mainly because I don't care about these girls. But I was bored yesterday, and there it was just staring at me at Target, and you know...

The sixth season is entirely pointless (I guess you could say the pointlessness is relative to the absolute meaninglessness of the first five seasons). It just makes everything that seemed real about the first five seasons completely worthless with how easily they transitioned to these new girls. Despite the stupidity of the show, I did come to like the "Original 3" girls and discovered they did have more to them than fake tits and bronzer. I'm trying not to get deep talking about The Girls Next Door, but with how replaceable they were made this season, it just feels weird. Crystal's not horrible, but the twins are especially vapid and devoid of any personality, so I didn't give a shit when they were onscreen unless they were naked (and if I'm being honest, that really wasn't all that great either - not that I'd kick them, especially if they were together, out of bed). I think the part that ties the whole season together is Crystal's comments she made about Hef only a few days ago, after breaking off their engagement (you can read it here). Needless to say, the level of fakeness this season was ridiculously high.

Since this show's done, I think I may have to venture into Kendra and Holly's World. There's new seasons on DVD of those shows coming out this fall, so why not? More naked blondes is always fine by me.

The Funhouse (1981)

The Funhouse (1981)

Directed by: Tobe Hooper
Screenplay by: Lawrence Block

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 96 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Something is alive in the Funhouse!

[IMDb]

Comments: Yeah, this movie did nothing for me.

Season of the Witch (2011)

Season of the Witch (2011)

Directed by: Dominic Sena
Screenplay by: Bragi F. Schut

Genre: Action | Adventure | Fantasy
Running Time: 95 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: Rental Blu-ray (Family Video)

Not all souls can be saved.

[IMDb]

Comments: I feel like making it known right off the bat that I had no desire or yearning to watch Season of the Witch. At all. But my friend rented a ton of Blu-rays last night, and decided that Nicolas Cage's latest shit pile would be a good movie to have a good running commentary on (e.g.: Mystery Science Theater 3000). But Season of the Witch was just plain terrible, and not in the good way. Nicolas Cage couldn't have given two shits about the film, which is completely apparent throughout (not that there's much to go on with the script anyway), and Ron Perlman was completely lackluster. Some of the CGI looked awfully fake and made the movie look extremely amateurish, which certainly didn't help. Just look at the montage of battle scenes at the beginning of the film. Trash. Skip this crap.

Savage Beach (1990)

Savage Beach (1990)

Directed by: Andy Sidaris
Screenplay by: Andy Sidaris

Genre: Action | Adventure | Crime
Running Time: 92 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

Someone won't get out of this alive!

[IMDb]

Comments: Dammit, Andy Sidaris. You've let me down. Granted, I skipped Picasso Trigger because at the time I didn't know there was actually continuity between his films, so I picked Savage Beach because it sounded better. What a letdown after the amazing Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Pretty much everything that made that movie great is absent in Savage Beach, except for the numerous naked '80s chicks. The film does feature the best line out of both Sidaris films I watched tonight. As two ruthless bad guys have our heroes cornered with machine guns, they utter this masterpiece of modern screenwriting: "Let's finish these guys off with our hands." Yep.

Butchered (2010)

Butchered (2010)

Directed by: Charles Stewart Jr.
Screenplay by: The Sheila Brothers and Roxanne Marchand

Genre: Horror
Running Time: 71 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Owned DVD

[IMDb]

Comments: What can I say? I love this crap. Butchered is a low budget slasher I bought this week on Echo Bridges' Midnight Horror: Backwoods Butchers collection (complete with three other crappy horror movies that will pop up later on the blog). On one hand, the film has a good look and doesn't look low budget; it's a crisp picture despite the $5 price tag and the fact that four films are shoved on one disc. On the other hand, It feels that at least forty minutes of the barely one-hour runtime is dedicated melodramatic bullshit. Listen, I don't mind some good drama. But I hate seeing it done by completely incompetent actors - especially when all I want out of a film is gratuitous nudity and graphic violence. Butchered doesn't really deliver on those fronts, either (but it's at least not completely neutered). I was left with this lasting thought though: how come all of my female friends I hung out with in high school didn't have breast implants like these girls did?

Puppet Master II (1991)

Puppet Master II (1991)

Directed by: Dave Allen
Screenplay by: David Pabian

Genre: Horror | Sci-Fi | Thriller
Running Time: 88 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

They're back. No strings attached.

[IMDb]

Comments: Puppet Master II is a decent enough sequel when compared to the original, but there's such a lull in the middle of the film that I started zoning out because nothing interesting was happening. Then we got a shot of boobs and a few very tame deaths, but it was enough to bring me back around. I do really enjoy the score used for the film (the same was used in the first Puppet Master), but the print on this Echo Bridge triple feature was really bad (especially compared with the first film). While Puppet Master II isn't particularly good, it was entertaining enough for me. Bring on more random Echo Bridge horror!

Whiteout (2009)

Whiteout (2009)

Directed by: Dominic Sena
Screenplay by: Jon Hoeber, Erich Hoeber, Chad Hayes, and Carey
  Hayes

Genre: Action | Crime | Mystery | Thriller
Running Time: 101 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

See your last breath.

[IMDb]

Comments: Wow. This... this wasn't good. I had wanted to watch Whiteout since it was first released. I have a soft spot for movies that take place in isolation (which is probably why I enjoy films set in space), and Whiteout seemed to fit the bill. Despite the bad reviews, I held tight in my desire to see it. Finally, I decided to take the plunge Friday at Target, as the Blu-ray was only $10. Yeah, Whiteout's not worth the $10. I wasn't expecting much, but I did go in thinking I'd at least be entertained (I've always thought of Gone in Sixty Seconds - also helmed by Dominic Sena - as a great popcorn movie). But terrible dialogue, predictable plots, and my general disinterest in the proceedings created a sense of boredom rather than excitement. Skip this one.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Directed by: Deborah Brock
Screenplay by: Deborah Brock

Genre: Comedy | Horror | Musical
Running Time: 75 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

The party begins when the lights go out!

[IMDb]

Comments: What the hell did I just watch? This is certainly not the film I was thinking of when I stated that I thought I'd seen the Slumber Party Massacre sequel in the post below. I'm pretty sure everyone involved in the making of this film was on acid. That's all.