Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Directed by: Timur Bekmambetov
Screenplay by: Seth Grahame-Smith

Genre: Action | Fantasy | Horror | Thriller
Running Time: 105 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

President by day. Hunter by night.

[IMDb]

Comments: I feel as though I'm overrating this movie, but come on. It's Abraham Lincoln fighting fucking vampires.

- Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter really had a hard time finding a groove. At times the film felt like it was trying to be serious (well, as serious as it could be), but at other times it was balls-to-the-wall crazy. I can work with this style of crazy, but it has to be a cohesive film that sticks to its guns (à la Timur Bekmambetov's 2008 effort, Wanted). Good 'ol Abe is all over the map, and as a result never finds a groove.

- I have the original book and read about the first hundred pages (I'm not a dedicated reader and often just stop reading books in the middle if I'm not completely captivated). The tone of the book felt so much different than this fantasy film, which is strange considering the screenplay was written by the author, Seth Grahame-Smith. I liked the book (or at least, the beginning of the book) better.

- The special effects are just... no.

- All-in-all, I still enjoyed the film, (many) flaws and all. I think a more serious tone with less pizzazz and more grittiness would've served the material better. But in the end, it's still Abraham Lincoln fighting fucking vampires.

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

Directed by: Rupert Sanders
Screenplay by: Evan Daugherty, John Lee Hancock, and Hossein
  Amini

Genre: Action | Adventure | Drama | Fantasy
Running Time: 132 Minutes (Extended Cut)
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

[IMDb]

Comments: I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed Snow White and the Huntsman. I don't know if it was the fact that I was let down by the last "big" pop culture movie I watched, The Hunger Games, or I simply just didn't expect much. Either way, I bought into this fantasy world and enjoyed the two hours I spent there.

- I don't want to jump on the "I hate Kristen Stewart" bandwagon, but I can't say I'm the biggest fan of hers. While her range as an actress isn't the greatest, I never thought that she was terrible. But I do wonder if another actress would have really brought Snow White to life more than Stewart. Actually, I'm pretty confident a number of actresses would have.

- On the other side of things, Charlize "Sex Goddess" Theron and motherfucking Thor bring it; Theron specifically. That woman is so goddamn talented and so fucking gorgeous and so awesome in general... and I'm rambling. And I definitely have a man-crush on Thor too.

- I think my favorite moment was when I realized the actors who were playing the dwarves weren't little people at all. I had no idea beforehand that normal sized men would be playing them (thanks to some great CGI). But then I saw Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Toby Jones, Eddie Marsan, and motherfucking Nick Frost. I won't lie, I geeked out a bit.

- I really liked the look of the film too. The special effects were excellent and the cinematography was rather great as well.

- Outside of my slight distaste for Stewart's acting, I really enjoyed Snow White and the Huntsmen. I don't much care about the shenanigans that went on outside of the film (Stewart's affair with her married director, Rupert Sanders), but it does bum me out that it pretty much killed any shot of a sequel with the entire cast (a rumored Huntsman-only film is in the works). Either way, I dug this updated fairly tale. Give it a shot if you're interested.

- OK, I lied. I chuckled a little when I found out that Stewart cheated on Team Edward.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Season One (1997)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-2003)

Created by: Joss Whedon

Season: One (1997)
Genre: Action | Drama | Fantasy
Number of Episodes: 12
Episode Running Time: 60 Minutes
Viewed: Owned DVD

Get home before dark.

[IMDb]

Comments: I know Buffy the Vampire Slayer has been quite the cult hit since it debuted, and it's definitely a show I've been interested in. But that doesn't mean the first season couldn't be rather terrible. And for the most part, it is.

- OK, let me say that the first few episodes are GOD-AWFUL. Slowly, the show finds its footing and I found the last three-to-four episodes to be pretty decent. But it's really rough early on, to the point where there were a few weeks where I didn't watch a single episode. I have no doubts that the show will only get better, but it certainly didn't have the best start.

- My favorite part of the whole season was how many people at Buffy's high school were killed... and no one seemed to care. I'm pretty sure there would have been a major investigation when multiple faculty members and even more students show up dead. It's generally treated as an everyday occurrence.

- While elements of Joss Whedon can be found early on, I really started to pick up on Joss' signature style toward the final few episodes (any wonder why I enjoyed them more?). I can only expect this will continue in future episodes.

- That about sums up my thoughts on Buffy. When I watch a show I'm not completely addicted to form the get-go (i.e. Breaking Bad), I feel like I always say "I'm going to take a short break, but I'll be back." And then I never come back. Well, I have fucking six other seasons to watch (plus five of Angel), so I better goddamn comeback. But I just bought Strike Back the other day and I've been itching to watch that, so it'll be a bit...

- See what I mean?

John Carter (2012)

John Carter (2012)

Directed by: Andrew Stanton
Screenplay by: Andrew Stanton, Mark Andrews, and Michael Chabon

Genre: Action | Adventure | Fantasy | Sci-Fi
Running Time: 132 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

Lost in our world. Found in another.

[IMDb]

Comments: I don't think there's any denying that John Carter is a cheesy film. Conversely, I don't think many would argue that the film isn't entertaining as well. Based on a story that's almost a hundred years old, it's hard to make the film feel "current" when staying true to the source material. Still, I won't lie that I was engrossed for the two-hour duration of the film.

- Taylor Kitsch is a terrible actor. I think everyone who's seen Friday Night Lights loves him (as I do), but it was even evident then how limited his range is. I cringed watching him at times here in John Carter. Look at when he must fight in the Arena to gain his freedom. Compare his speech and mannerisms afterward to that of Russell Crowe in Gladiator, which is of similar tone and style. Crowe owns the screen and makes you believe every word. Kitsch doesn't even come close. Considering this film and Battleship were two of the biggest flops of the year, who knows if we'll see him anytime soon in a big budget blockbuster?

- On the other hand, I couldn't care about Lynn Collins' acting ability at all. That's pure #motherofgod material right there.

- I think I need to watch the other adaptation of this novel, titled Princess of Mars. Antonio Sabato Jr. and ex-porn star Traci Lords? Sign me up.

- Honestly, I think the film could've used another 20-30 minutes to flesh out some of the story. It jumps around a lot in the opening and toward the end of the film. Perhaps there will be a Director's Cut someday?

- Even though it's easy to poke fun at the film, I did enjoy the hell out it, as I mentioned above. I think Andrew Stanton (of Wall-E fame) did a solid job in his live action debut, and the film looks great on Blu-ray. I know many people will find fault in the film, but I'd recommend it to interested parties.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)

Directed by: David Yates
Screenplay by: Michael Goldenberg

Genre: Adventure | Family | Fantasy | Mystery
Running Time: 138 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

The rebellion begins.

[IMDb]

Comments: Granted, I said Sunday that I wasn't going to watch the fifth in the Harry Potter series, but once I got home from work Monday, I had nothing better to do. (I've done a good job so far this year of keeping up-to-date on my DVR, which helps too.) The Order of the Phoenix stretches the streak of really solid Potter films to three-in-a-row now, as I really enjoyed myself here. While there's moments of silliness and a little too much kid-friendliness at times, the film is engaging and entertaining. I've worked my way through five films now, and the series is pretty much where I envisioned it: good, but not great; engaging, but not addictive. Still, I know I'll get to the final three shortly, and it'll be fun.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

Directed by: Mike Newell
Screenplay by: Steve Kloves

Genre: Adventure | Family | Fantasy | Mystery
Running Time: 157 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

Dark and difficult times lie ahead.

[IMDb]

Comments: I had originally planned to watch all of the Harry Potter films in a row, but after three straight I was a little burned out on our little wizard wunderkind. For whatever reason, I decided to throw in the fourth film this evening. Whether it was the break I took or simply the fact that The Goblet of Fire is a good film, I must say that I really enjoyed myself. This film, along with The Prisoner of Azkaban, are solid efforts and have me excited to see where the series goes. I don't know if I'll be diving into The Order of the Phoenix right away, but I am looking forward to it. An odd statement, I know, but it is what it is.

Also, it was really bizarre that Team Edward was in this. I didn't know that beforehand.

Game of Thrones - Season One (2011)

Game of Thrones (2011-????)

Created by: David Benioff and D. B. Weiss

Season: One (2011)
Genre: Adventure | Drama | Fantasy
Number of Episodes: 10
Episode Running Time: 60 Minutes
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

Winter is coming.

[IMDb]

Comments: I really didn't care much about Game of Thrones until a few weeks ago, when all of a sudden I decided I was going to buy the first season on release day and dive right in. I have no clue why I did this, or how my interest was suddenly cultivated, but I'm glad I did/it was. Game of Thrones rules.

- I'll get this out of the way first: I love me some Emilia Clarke (who plays Daenerys Targaryen). She's just... yeah.

- All of the acting was great, but Peter Dinklage stole the show in whatever scene he was in. It's hard for actors of a "small stature" to be taken seriously at times, but Dinklage commands respect every time he's onscreen.

- The showrunners did a great job in casting Prince Joffrey. I haven't hated a TV character like him since Penny Johnson Jerald in the early years of 24.

- The plot was a little too fantasy driven at times for my taste - especially later on - but only because the first several episodes are so grounded in reality (sans the white walkers). By the end, there's zombies and dragons and black magic (all of which are fucking awesome, don't get me wrong), but they all feel out of place from what occurred over the majority of the first season.

- I know most people were happy with how the first season followed the book, but it made for a generally lackluster finale (particularly for someone who hasn't read the books). I felt like the show was building up to this gigantic war, but then the season just kind of ends (at least it ended on a good note, with a healthy dose of Emilia Clarke nudity).

- Game of Thrones is awesome. I'm saddened that I don't have HBO to watch the Season Two premiere in three weeks, and I'm even sadder thinking I'll have to wait until next March (?) for the show to be released on Blu-ray. I know there's 'alternative methods,' but fuck that. Maybe I'll buy the episodes on Amazon...

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Directed by: Alfonso Cuarón
Screenplay by: Steve Kloves

Genre: Adventure | Family | Fantasy | Mystery
Running Time: 141 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

Something wicked this way comes.

[IMDb]

Comments: Alfonso Cuarón certainly brought a lot more to the table in the third Harry Potter installment, at least in terms of the look and feel of the film. Sure, for most of the of the first hour, much of the mediocrity of the first two films carries over (sans Cuarón's artistic touch). But then, at last, we break from the mold and get to see an interesting and well-crafted finale. I'm still not sold on the series as a whole, but it's certainly a shift in the right direction.

I was saddened to see that Richard Harris did not return as Dumbledore due to his death in 2002. I knew that he had died years ago, but never really thought about it pertaining to this series until I saw Michael Gambon onscreen. I like Gambon and think he's a great actor; however, he just doesn't bring the warmth and wisdom to the role that Harris did.

I may start on the fourth Harry Potter film tonight after the Penguins' game, but who knows. I planned to watch this film last night, but ended up falling asleep at 7pm. On a Saturday night. Yep. I lead one hell of an exciting life.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

Directed by: Chris Columbus
Screenplay by: Steve Kloves

Genre: Adventure | Family | Fantasy | Mystery
Running Time: 161 Minutes (Theatrical Cut)
MPAA Rating: PG
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

Hogwarts is back in session.

[IMDb]

Comments: More of the same. That's pretty much the most concise way I can sum up my feelings on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. While the main story is different, everything that occurs throughout feels reminiscent of the first film.

Sidebar: Fuck the people that live below me. I've had a somewhat long week at work, and I was really looking forward to sleeping in today (while this review was posted Friday night, I'm writing it on Saturday morning). But they decided to build something/hang curtains/who the fuck knows at 8am. Anyone who's read my bitchfests on this apartment before knows how incredibly thin the walls are here. Needless to say, it's like they're hammering shit in my room. My floor is vibrating. Fuck you, asshole neighbors. #firstworldproblems

Anyway, I can't say I'm really into the Harry Potter series so far, but then again, a) I'm 26 years old and b) I'd resigned to myself originally that I was watching the original films to get to the later films. Plus, next up is Alfonso Cuarón's installment, so at least I have something new to look forward to. But I think it's time to take a Potter-related break.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

Directed by: Chris Columbus
Screenplay by: Steve Kloves

Genre: Adventure | Family | Fantasy
Running Time: 152 Minutes (Theatrical Cut)
MPAA Rating: PG
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

Let the magic begin.

[IMDb]

Comments: Well, here we go...

- I've never really had much of an interest in the Harry Potter series until recently. I don't know anything about the "Potterverse," I haven't read any of the books, and all of the early films seemed way too childish to really hold my interest (though I admit I was curious about the third installment, which was directed by Children of Men's Alfonso Cuarón). However, the last two or three films seemed much more entertaining (and were generally well-received by critics) - to the point where I wanted to see them. Unfortunately, I can't stand starting a series mid-way through, so I had to start at the beginning.

- When the last film was released on Blu-ray, I looked into picking up the complete series set. I really wasn't down with dropping $80 on it though. However, a few weeks ago I sold a few random out-of-print DVDs that I had no interest in (Anchor Bay's first and second season set of Titus and a few Something Weird DVDs) and an older iPod Nano, so I had over $150 to spend on Amazon. Thus, Harry Potter became mine (along with the second season of Archer, The Ultimate Matrix Collection, The Woman, and pre-orders for The Human Centipede II and The Dead - all on Blu-ray, of course).

- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was a decent film. It certainly serves as a good starting point, as the film introduces a number of characters and themes that I assume will carry on throughout the series. The problem with this is that it makes the film feel overstuffed and bogged down by everything that's going on. The two-and-a-half hour runtime feels extremely unnecessary, especially around the middle of the film.

- I was also less than impressed with the special effects. I'm entirely too lazy to go find the budget for the film, but knowing how successful the franchise was, I'd think they would have had a decent amount of cash. This is probably completely unfair, but The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring came out the same year, and it looks way better. (Completely unrelated: I also considered picking up The Lord of the Rings and Star Wars sets on Amazon instead of the Harry Potter series, but I already have those films on DVD and wanted to get something different with my Something Weird money. They will be mine though... eventually.)

- Despite a few flaws here and there, I still enjoyed Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Most of my enjoyment comes out of how well many of the characters are set up for future installments; I'm sure if this was the only film ever made, I'd have a lot more bad things to say about it.

- I guess it's time for Round 2... and goddammit, it's longer than the first film.

House (1977)

House (1977)

Directed by: Nobuhiko Ohbayashi
Screenplay by: Chiho Katsura

Genre: Comedy | Fantasy | Horror
Running Time: 88 Minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

[IMDb]

Comments: I have no idea what the fuck I just watched. It was pretty awesome, that much I can tell you. But really, I can't even begin to comprehend how much acid was dropped while making this film.

Also Known As: Hausu

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Directed by: Tom Tykwer
Screenplay by: Andrew Birkin, Bernd Eichinger, and Tom Tykwer

Genre: Drama | Fantasy
Running Time: 147 Minutes
MPAA Rating: R
Viewed: Owned DVD

He lived to find beauty. He killed to possess it.

[IMDb]

Comments: I think it would be a major understatement if I simply said Perfume: The Story of a Murderer was a strange film. This movie is fucking out there (and for the most part, not in a good way). While certain parts of the film are great, much of it is slow and a bit uneven. Without a doubt, the best aspect of Perfume is the look and cinematography. The sets and locations are gorgeous, and the dirtier aspects of the film really made me want to take a shower. But the story is lacking, and there's never any characters for the audience to latch onto (I suppose some of the women could count, but for the most part none of them are around long enough). Perfume: The Story of a Murderer is certainly a unique film, and I'm glad I finally took the time to watch it. Unfortunately, I just wished it had lived up to my expectations a little more.

Season of the Witch (2011)

Season of the Witch (2011)

Directed by: Dominic Sena
Screenplay by: Bragi F. Schut

Genre: Action | Adventure | Fantasy
Running Time: 95 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: Rental Blu-ray (Family Video)

Not all souls can be saved.

[IMDb]

Comments: I feel like making it known right off the bat that I had no desire or yearning to watch Season of the Witch. At all. But my friend rented a ton of Blu-rays last night, and decided that Nicolas Cage's latest shit pile would be a good movie to have a good running commentary on (e.g.: Mystery Science Theater 3000). But Season of the Witch was just plain terrible, and not in the good way. Nicolas Cage couldn't have given two shits about the film, which is completely apparent throughout (not that there's much to go on with the script anyway), and Ron Perlman was completely lackluster. Some of the CGI looked awfully fake and made the movie look extremely amateurish, which certainly didn't help. Just look at the montage of battle scenes at the beginning of the film. Trash. Skip this crap.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)

Directed by: Edgar Wright
Screenplay by: Michael Bacall and Edgar Wright

Genre: Action | Comedy | Fantasy | Music | Romance
Running Time: 112 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: Owned Blu-ray

An epic of epic epicness.

[IMDb]

Comments: Awesome.

Twilight (2008)

Twilight (2008)

Directed by: Catherine Hardwicke
Screenplay by: Melissa Rosenberg

Genre: Drama | Fantasy | Romance | Thriller
Running Time: 122 Minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Viewed: I plead the fifth.

When you can live forever what do you live for?

[IMDb]

Comments: I'm not exactly sure why I had the urge to watch Twilight. Sure, it is the current movie of choice for 13-year-old girls everywhere, which I am not. I just was intrigued, as I like vampire movies and all of the attention the movie had gotten had piqued my interest. First, this is not a vampire movie. At all. Robert Pattinson walks in the sun and never kills anyone. Plus, what does everyone see in the guy? He looks like a retarded duck. Whenever he gets mad, he looks like he's going to cry or start a slap fight. I liked Kristen Stewart in Undertow, and while she's OK in Twilight, I was overly annoyed by the fact that anytime she had a dramatic scene she would blink often and as fast as fucking possible. It's distracting, sweetie. All that being said, Twilight wasn't that bad. It's certainly no classic, but I was mildly entertained, despite my issues with the lead actors. Certain parts were cringe-inducing (vampire baseball?), but overall it wasn't too bad of a flick. Granted I feel embarrassed just watching it, but then I think of all of the stupid shit that I watch that's ten times worse than Twilight (yet I still feel like a weirdo). Oh well.